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Tuesday, July 15, 2003

So, the other day, Ophelia and I were in the car, on our way back to my place. We're stopped at a red light, waiting for our turn to go, when this...woman...walks across the street right in front of the car.

Ophe and I looked at each other, and then back to the woman.

It was amazing!

She had on something that looked like Candies sandals...the wooden heeled ones with the pastel leather strap-thingies? You know the shoes. And this...dress. Huge flower print, obscenely short skirt, real tight in the bodice...but the worst part was that the skirt of the dress was...poofy. Like out a foot from her legs poofy. The kind of skirt that's stuffed with something to make it poof like that. She also had the elusive bleach blonde female mullet with huge fluffy bangs, and a tan that can only happen when you lay in a tanning bed for 10 days straight, slathered in cooking oil. She had a little purse clutched under her arm, and I think she was wearing Ray-Bans, too.

It was horrid.

She was Trapped in the 80s.

Now, if the outfit weren't hilarious enough (which it was), Ms Michigan 1985 was followed closely behind what we thought at first was her pimp.

Young black dude in black shorts, white wife beater, black short sleeved dress shirt over top, and a black hat with a yellow band around it. There may have been a feather in the hat. I can't remember for sure.

Anyway, as we're watching this interesting parade, we both were laughing, and the dude looks at us, then points a finger at the woman. He looks at us, then looks at the woman again, then back to us, and gives us a look like, 'You see this shit?'

So of course, that made us laugh all the more. I guess he wasn't her pimp after all.

In Other Ridiculous News:

In the mail today, I received a promo pack from Marlboro. Well, it was actually addressed to Ryan, but he doesn't smoke anymore, and I think Marbs taste like ass, so I just let the kids have it. Marlboro has a habit of sending us glossy brochures full of pictures of rugged men on horses. My kids like horses, so they get the junk mail.

However, today's package contained a SPECIAL GIFT. I pulled out a few small silver envelopes. Looking at the back of the envelopes, I read the following:


Extinguish cigarette first.
Then place cigarette butt
in envelope (max. 3 butts)
Fold over top of envelope twice
and close tightly.
Dispose of envelope in
nearest trash receptacle.

Uhm? Tiny cigarette trash bags brought to my door courtesy of the Marlboro Man and the US Postal Service?How...bizarre. I'm pretty used to just smashing my cigarettes out on the ground, or flinging them out the car window to mingle with the used condoms and dead bodies on the side of the road, when no ashtray is available. I don't know that I could get into the habit of packing my butts up in a special tiny silver trash bag so I don't litter or something.

Besides, they only sent me six of the damned things, and each bag is only supposed to hold 3 butts, so that wouldn't even last me one day, sports fans.

Phillip Morris says, 'Give a hoot! Don't pollute!'

I wonder what new lows the cigarette companies will have to sink to next in order to appease the anti-smoking Nazis that are taking over this godforsaken country.

Maybe next time I will open my mailbox to discover that I've received my very own AntiPollution Smoking Containment Unit suit, complete with space age bubble helmet and a filter to let all the bad air in, but none of the bad air out. After all, my smoking is so much more terrible than the lady with fifty gallons of Obession for Women on.

If I get one of those, I'll definitely take a picture of me wearing it and post it on the blog.

In fact, I'll take a series of pictures.

1) Zombie With Shocked Look of Joy as She Opens Box Containing AntiPollution Smoking Containment Unit Suit.

2) Zombie Putting AntiPollution Smoking Containment Unit Suit On.

3, 4, 5, 6, and 7) Zombie Strutting Around and Striking Various Poses in Aforementioned Suit.

8) Zombie Taking Suit Back Off

9) Zombie Holding Lighted Match Aloft with Fiendish Grin On Her Face

10) Zombie Setting Suit Ablaze

11) Zombie Giving Phillip Morris and the AntiSmoking Nazis the Finger as She Lights Five Cigarettes At Once and Proceeds to Smoke Them All with Pleasure Over the Smoldering Remains of the AntiPollution Smoking Containment Unit Suit.

Gawd, I'm so fucking adorable, I make myself sick.

link | posted by Zombie at 10:43 PM |


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