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Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Kiss Me! I'm a Pirate!

Man, I love pirates, so it was happy time when I was reading over Neil Gaiman's bloggie, and found this linkie. Arrr.

Today I took the bus out to Meijer, which has a Standard Federal bank in it, and proceeded to establish myself a checking account. Look, Ma, I'm an adult.

I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea about how checking accounts work, so when the nice bank lady started prattling on about minimum balances and interest rates and surcharges and foisting debit cards and checkbooks on me, I got a bit flustered. My eyes must've taken on a glassy appearance, because she stopped, and then slowly slid her business card across the desk to me. Then she said, "Call me if you need help."

I debated on saying, "I surely need help, but I don't know if it's the kind that you can provide," but opted instead for a sweet, if slightly vacant, smile.

Now now, I know you've all missed my Bus Ride of Destruction tales, so aren't you lucky that I rode the bus today? Seems like every time I get on the fucking thing, insanity happens. I imagine that the bus runs peacefully until I show up. Then all hell breaks loose.

So, I'm sitting on the brick wall in front of where the buses pull up, Indian style, reading a paperback and smoking, when someone walks by and smacks into my cigarette.

Yes, that's right. Smacks into my cigarette.

Okay, let's review what we have so far, just to make sure you get this: I was sitting on a wall away from the main walkway-sidewalk-dealie-thingie, Indian style (meaning my feet weren't even on the ground), reading a book and smoking a cigarette. And someone ran into my cigarette, which I was holding in my right hand, which was resting on my knee.

Sparks flew, and I swore, and looked up, and the dude that did it had the balls to glare at me like I had done something wrong. Now, I dunno what this guy was trying to accomplish by trying to walk on top of me like that, but I find it very interesting that someone would do that and then get upset when he runs into burning objects. Perhaps he had a depth perception problem, or something, but I think next time he ought to walk on the sidewalk proper and not so close to innocent girlies reading books on walls.

Indeed.

So, after that nonsense, I went back to reading, having lit a fresh cigarette since the first one got demolished by Joe Bob Billy Bob the Myopic from Ypsilanti, and then I hear a ruckus going on a few yards away from me. I look up and there's this retarded man I see quite often around town. Looks harmless enough, just usually trots around and digs in garbage cans for bottles and so forth. One time, he blew me a kiss and said, 'You pretty!' which I thought was kinda cute, even if he is buggy-eyed, retarded, has no chin, and is prone to drooling...I suppose I'll take a compliment where I can get it. (Note: Yes, it seems I have just made fun of a retarded man. Please send hate mail to Zombie, You're a Fucking Bitch, and You Smell Funny, To Boot@chaosinmotion.net. I promise to try to care. Really.) ANYWAY, there was a group of teenagers saying things to this man, and I couldn't quite hear what they were saying, but it got the man all excited and he started making that cawing noise that the retarded folk make...you know that noise...and then ran over and planted this huge kiss on one of the girls. Now, I thought that was pretty funny, but the girl apparently didn't (I probably wouldn't have liked it much, either, come to think of it, but it was funny at the time and that's what matters. It's all in the timing.) and she screamed. So her testosterone fueled male companions got all riled up and lots of shouting ensued, and I thought perhaps they were going to attack the retarded man, at which point I'd have had to do something crazy like tell them to knock it off...but...

They didn't end up going after the guy. Just shouted at him a lot, and then the guy flipped them off, cawing the whole time, and I thought, 'Score one for the 'tarded man! Swooning the bitches and giving the boys the finger!' and went back to reading.

Ah, the joys of public transit.



link | posted by Zombie at 6:40 PM |


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