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Monday, September 29, 2003

Clown Fish are Fuckers

So, I finally manage to fall asleep last night. The kids are over at their dad's, Spawnie is snoring away peacefully on the couch, I have the bed to myself...bliss, right?

Wrong.

I got maybe an hour and a half in when I am having this dream about clowns. Evil clowns. Evil laughing clowns. We all know I don't like clowns at all.

Anyway, I wake myself up...but I still hear the laughing. At regular 5 second intervals. 'HahahahahHAHAHAHAHAH.' I sit up. I say, 'What the fuck?'

I get out of bed cautiously, put on some clothes, and tiptoe into the living room. Spawnie is still snoring. I still hear the laughing.

Again, I say, 'What the fuck?'

Cocking my head, I turn and go down the hall, where the noise seems to be coming from. I step into the bathroom, and the laughing is even louder than before.

Obviously, an evil clown is hiding in the shower.

I look around, trying to figure out how best to kill an evil clown that's hiding in the shower at 4 AM and laughing its stupid ugly head off...waking up Spawnie seems to be a bad idea, because once he's awake, he can't get back to sleep again and he's got work in the morning.

It's up to me to save our lives.

I grab the plunger from under the sink and smack at the shower curtain...nothing.

The laughing continues.

Okay, the evil clown is NOT in the shower. I flip on the light and look around.

You'll all please keep in mind that I was barely even half awake at the time, right?

Disney/Pixar recently put out a kids' movie called 'Finding Nemo.' It's about fish, so it's got lots of fish in it. Clown fish, even. Well, to market this movie, McDonald's had little plastic fish toys in their Happy Meals. My kids ended up with a few. They are also bathtub toys. See, you can either press the top fin to make the fish make a noise, or put your two fingers over these little black dots on the bottom of the fish to complete the circuit and also make it make noise. Putting the fish in water will also complete the circuit, causing the fish to make a noise.

In this case, the fish was laughing.

A clown fish.

Laughing.

In the middle of the night.

For no apparent reason.

There was no water around and it wasn't laying on its top fin, so there is absolutely no reason for this fish to all of a sudden start chortling loudly in the middle of the night, thereby waking me up and causing me to think there is an evil clown hiding in the shower.

So I say, 'Aw, fuck you, dude,' and pick the fish up.

I push on its fin. It doesn't stop laughing. I close the circuit with my palm. It's still laughing. I glare at it. I bang it off the bathroom sink. It continues to laugh. I bang it off the sink a little harder. It's still laughing.

I begin to think this is some sort of communist plot to absolutely ruin any sleep I might ever get ever again. I tell the fish, sternly, to shut up.

Miracle of miracles, it does.

I smile in triumph and set it down on the sink counter.

It laughs again.

'Oh, you FUCK!' I exclaim. I pick it back up and bash it on the sink again. A part of the tail fin flies off and skitters off into a corner. It stops laughing.

'Take that, bitch,' I crow.

It laughs at me in reply.

Now I'm really mad, so I grab it and muffle it in a towel and run barefoot outside in the cold.

I hurl it into the dumpster, and it's still chuckling merrily to itself, perhaps pleased that it has so ruined my sleep.

As I turned back to the building, I could still hear that christing fish laughing. For all I know, it's still out there, buried in garbage, laughing.

Clown fish are fuckers.


link | posted by Zombie at 5:05 PM |


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