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Saturday, November 01, 2003

'Merica, You Got Some Splainin' to Do

So, yesterday was Hallowe'en.

Uhm, Happy Hallowe'en.

Personally, I love Hallowe'en, but it's just not what it used to be anymore. I took the kids out trick or treating and while they did rake in a goodly amount of free candy (and even some crayons!), it was not nearly as much as I used to get when I was a child. I remember when every house on the block had the porch light on, and garbage bags of candy were collected in under an hour.

Ah well. The kids had fun, and so did I.

What's not fun about Hallowe'en, and truly every holiday here in 'Merica, are the idiots that go nuts decorating the outsides of their homes for the event.

Observe.

This picture was thoughtfully taken and sent to me by Fanged Buffalo and Caligula.

Sure, it's not as bad as some houses get. Look at this (which I have stolen from someone's homepage. Shh. Don't tell.)




Okay. Now. Look, how much money did these people fork over to make their houses look retarded? This is just as bad as those idiots that hang the plastic easter eggs from little strings all over their front yard trees for Easter, and those idiots that completely cover their homes in Xmas lights, making the house glow like something radioactive well into March.

Americans have tacky down to a science, it seems. You can't go for a block 'round here without seeing some house with junk all over the lawn.

Popular Junk to Put on the Lawn:

1) Gnomes: While vaguely cute, does one really need 500 ceramic pointy hatted short men on the lawn? No, I don't think so.

2) Those Godfucking Pink Flamingos With the Propellors For Wings: UGH!

3) A Toilet: That's right. I've observed on numerous occasions in various different states, toilets on the lawn. Decorative toilets. That have been knocked over artfully, and cleverly filled with dirt and flowers so that it looks as if the flowers are spilling out of the toilet and onto the lawn. Who the hell thought this was a good idea?

4) A Cardboard Ass: The Cardboard Ass can most likely be seen in a flowerbed or garden. It is usually very fat and round and wearing a red polka dot skirt. It is meant to resemble a woman with a fat round ass in a red polka dot skirt bending over and working in aforementioned flowerbed or garden. It is frightful.

5) Lawn Jockeys: I don't think I can think of anything witty to say about these. Just look for yourself and witness the horror:



(On a side note, lawn jockeys were used to mark points along the Underground Railroad. That's nice. They still look crap, and the Underground Railroad has been done with for many years now.)

6) Not Even Sure What They're Called: Those pedestals with the globes on them...I don't even think they have a name, much less a function...

Let us not forget how retarded people go for Xmas, with the 900 foot tall light up Santa, or perhaps an entire Nativity set made of light up plastic...

Those're just a few I can think of off the top of my head. All I want to know is: what the hell possesses people to do this stuff?




link | posted by Zombie at 12:54 AM |


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