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Thursday, January 15, 2004

Further Proof that Canadians Are Really Weird

Spawnie took a trip to Windsor the other day, and on his way back, took advantage of the duty free shop and got us a carton of smokes for el cheap-o. Turns out all they had were Canadian Camels. I confess to being a bit skeptical about smoking Canadian Camels, especially when confronted by the large image of some cancer ridden lungs on the box and the proclamation, 'SMOKING CAUSES LUNG CANCER.'

Well, duh.

I had heard about these adverts in Canada, but hadn't seen them first hand. Inside the carton, each individual pack of Camels, while also being all in French, is graced with smaller pictures of disease ridden lungs and the same warnings. Now every time I go to light up, I am able to see some cancer on the pack. Great.

Apparently, this is supposed to deter us from smoking. I think it's just funny.

I took it upon myself to hunt down some more of these ads. Here were a few of my favorites:

Not the most effective way of getting rid of obnoxious brats like these ones, I must confess. So please, don't poison the children by smoking, guys. Use arsenic instead.

Dear lord! Impotent! If I ever find a limp cigarette like that in my happy pack of Camels, I'm going to be upset. I was also going to add a cute joke about smoking and lessening the ability to get an erection and the boyf having lots of them to begin with and wondering what would happen if he stopped smoking, et cetera, et cetera, but I didn't want to cheapen the tone of the blog. Noooo.

The other two were funny, yes, but this one is my favorite. If I had known that my measly pack a day habit was killing the equivalent of a small city every year, I'd be smoking more. Furthermore, I'd be encouraging EVERYONE to smoke. Thinning out the population, if you will. I'm a great humanitarian like that.

Anyway, those crack me up, but what cracked me up more was that some apparently now defunct website ( was making covers for the cigarette packs, to mask the silly ads with the diseased lungs and rotten teeth and limp cigarettes and stupid mouth-breathing kids, and cover them up with cute things like this one:


If this ever happens in America, I'm definitely blaming Canada.

It's just so ridiculous. If I want to smoke, I'm going to smoke. It's not the government's problem or business. They're already taxing us to death with the cigarettes. Do I have to be treated like a child, too? 'Don't touch that. Don't do that. Don't smoke that.'

It's enough that in the States, we're already assaulted with incredibly banal television adverts, with little kids begging their parents not to smoke and die, and parents sitting down for a nice heart to heart with their teen about the dangers of tobacco, and then a nice fade, cut to the kid walking with some friends and getting offered a cigarette and saying 'No thanks!' Mom and Dad will be so proud, gee.

It's the same with the marijuana commercials. Me buying a pinner apparently contributed to the World Trade Center nonsense. Joe 'The Investigator' Dad has a drug free teenage girl, because he 'asks all the right questions.' Like 'Where are you going? Who are you going to be with? When are you coming home?' This apparently keeps kids from smoking pot.

Right, on Mars, maybe. Imagine the following scenarios, if you will:

(open on Dad and Fresh Faced Teenager [forever after referred to as FFT, for the sake of brevity] sitting at the kitchen table in TVLand, having a nice cuppa cocoa)

Dad: So, son, where are you going tonight?

FFT: Well, Dad, I'm going over to Billy's house.

Dad: Who will be there?

FFT: Billy, Joey, Suzy, and Billy's mom and dad.

Dad: When will you be back?

FFT: At ten o'clock sharp!

Dad: That's great, son.

(FFT leaves, Dad sits smiling at the kitchen table, secure in the knowledge that his son won't do drugs EVER, especially not EVIL MARIJUANA, and grow up to be PRESIDENT, and not a DRUG-ADDICTED FREAK THAT SUCKS DICK FOR CRACK MONEY OUT BEHIND THE DAIRY MART.)

Now, we all know that's a bit silly, but that's what the adverts want you to think will happen.

Here's what would really happen:

(Same scene as before, in the kitchen with Dad and the FFT)

Dad: So, son, where are you going tonight?

FFT: Out.

Dad: Who will be there?

FFT: None of your fucking business.

Dad: When will you be back?


(FFT storms out, and Dad gets up and pours a shot of Scotch, secure in the knowledge that he has a normal teenager that hates his guts)

Now, one more little scene to consider. A scene where the kid answers truthfully, if you will.

(Once more in the kitchen)

Dad: So, son, where are you going tonight?

FFT: Over to Billy's house for a party.

Dad: Who will be there?

FFT: Billy, Joey, Suzy, Billy's Mom, you know, the whore, and Billy's dad, the crazy alcoholic. Billy's dad is buying the keg tonight. Some chicks from school are coming, too, and I hear if you get 'em drunk enough, they'll give blowjobs to anyone that comes within five feet of them, and they'll do cool lesbian stuff right there on the coffee table. We're probably also going to smoke a few joints with Johnny the Spaceman (he's the local weed dealer, you know), and maybe do a couple lines of coke, and shoot some heroin. Golly, I hope there'll be some crack!

Dad: When will you be back?

FFT: I dunno. Whenever I wake up from passing out face down, naked, in a puddle of my own vomit, I guess.

(FFT leaves for a night of good clean fun, and Dad sits back at the table, smiling, wishing he was going to the party, too...)

You know what I'm saying here. These adverts are just stupid.

Thank you, and good night.

link | posted by Zombie at 8:42 PM |


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