Thursday, April 27, 2006
If You Ever Needed a Reason for Birth Control...
Y'all, don't have kids. If you have kids, I'm sorry, I got to you too late and your life is over and horrors like the one I experienced this morning await you.
If you don't have kids yet, keep it that way. Use 95 different forms of birth control simultaneously, in case 94 forms of them fail. Have only anal sex, ladies! Stick to oral! Something! Anything that will prevent you from conceiving!
Because if you do have children, sports fans, the odds are that you will be woken up at exactly 4:44 in the morning, because one has vomited on your head.
Yes, on your head. Vomited. On your head. ON YOUR HEAD.
This is what happened to me.
I was minding my own business, sleeping, and I vaguely hear a tiny voice from far away, "Mommy...mommy...I...*retch, bleh, nastiness, splat, ON MY HEAD*"
"OH WHAT THE FUCK!" I shouted, sitting bolt upright, sending my tiny daughter skittering backward across my bedroom.
I put a hand to my hair.
"Mommy...I puked," said my tiny daughter.
"Yeah, I can see that...good shot," I sighed.
Y'all, if you have kids, you will find yourself in the shower at 4:47 in the morning, washing half-digested Batman Spaghettios out of your hair and muttering all manner of vile epithets not suitable for the ears of your dog or vomiting child.
You will find yourself having to clean the child and the floor and your bed, because did she vomit in her own bed? No, she did not. She waited until she could vomit on your head.
And you will settle the child back into the bed, and you will go back to bed yourself and, after recovering from the shuddering that has ensued from having your head vomited on, you will fall back asleep.
Because that is what I did.
And an hour later: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS!" I shouted, sitting bolt upright in the bed.
"Mommy, I PUKED AGAIN! GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF ME!"
I go into the kids' bedroom to see that my daughter has vomited on her own head this time.
"Serves you right," I mutter.
So today, I did not go into work, on account of my daughter's habit of vomiting on heads. I figured I shouldn't take her to school, since she might vomit on a teacher's head or maybe that of a fellow student, and I didn't think that would go over very well. I would get a pissy voicemail message, "Uh...Meredith has managed to vomit on 78 heads and there are only 20 people in her class. I think you should come get her. RIGHT NOW."
I actually had to leave a smiliar message on my boss's voicemail: "Uh...yeah...uh...can't come to work today on account of my daughter vomited on my head? True story. Yeah. 'kay, well...uh. Yeah. BYE."
The only good thing to come of this is that she hasn't vomited since 7 this morning and I got a long nap, which I desperately needed.
But still, y'all. She VOMITED on my HEAD. I have no more words.
link | posted by Zombie at 11:22 AM |
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