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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Zombie Corrupts Children

I am a corrupter of children.

I probably shouldn't have been allowed to breed - but since it is done and I have yet to find a place that will perform retroactive abortions, we are stuck with my tiny demon spawn.

Each night, if the spawn behave, I read them a story of their choosing. This is often a Care Bears book (my daughter is obsessed with Care Bears) or whatever my son hauls up from the depths of the pile of books on his bedroom floor.

Some nights, however, I am just too tired to read, so I sing songs of their choosing. For a long time, this involved nursery rhymes, but I can only sing "The Farmer in the Dell" so many times before I want to shoot myself in the face. So the other night, I got the bright idea to sing different songs.

I sang them some Violent Femmes. I sang "Blister in the Sun." I sang "American Music." And I sang "Add It Up." We did this two nights in a row.

So the night before last, my son chirps, "Mom! Sing 'Add It Up'!"

If you've never heard this song, it's long and convoluted and about cocaine (I think).

This night, apparently, I was even too tired to sing because when I opened my mouth, no words came out. My mind went completely blank.

"Sorry, dudes, I can't remember the words."

"Mom," says my tiny daughter, placing her little starfish hand on my arm, "It goes, 'There's a broken-down kitchen at the top of the stairs'!"

Man, she picks up lyrics fast. I guess I'm glad she didn't pick up any other parts of that song, though, like, "Why can't I get just one fuck?" or "Oh my mother, I would love to love you, lover," or "Words all fail the magic prize...nothin' I can say while I'm in your thighs."

So seeing that my daughter has an uncanny ability to pick up lyrics like this, I will have to be more careful of what I sing to them.

I can see her going to school, quoting Leonard Cohen:"Give me crack and anal sex."

Or the Pixies, "Must be a devil between us, or whores in my head, whores at the door, whore in my bed...but hey!"

Or maybe Acid Bath, "She screams bloody murder as they chop off her fingers - so this is how it feels to die."

Yeah, oops.

Guess I better go back to the farmer in his fucking dell with the dog and the cat or whatever.

link | posted by Zombie at 1:06 PM |


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