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Saturday, May 13, 2006

Crisis in Zimbabwe: Bloody Fahgina Boogaloo

You may all be aware that I moonlight as a great humanitarian. If you were not aware of that, now you are. Part of being a great humanitarian means that I keep up on world crises. I have long been greatly interested in the atrocities and human rights violations that happen daily in the various countries of Africa. People starve and die over there in great numbers, every day. It's a damned shame, to put it mildly.

Knowing my interest in such things, Skippy so kindly sent me this link.

This may be the first time I've heard of a crisis in Africa and laughed. I am well aware that the "government" of Zimbabwe is made up of a nasty bunch of beady-eyed bastards. If I had my way, Mugabe would be taken out back and shot. Or slowly starved to death as he's let millions of his own people starve, while sitting underneath a sign that says "THERE IS NO FOOD SHORTAGE HERE," as his government claimed in 2004 when telling the United Nations and international donors that food aid was no longer necessary. I could rant on and on about the sad state of affairs for Zimbabweans, but other sites have collected the information in a much more succinct manner than I ever could. Because I am wordy and also insane. You can read about these things here and here, if you are so inclined.

But back to this article.

Seriously, what the fuck? Look, I am of the opinion that if there is a human rights violation or some sort of atrocity happening, it should definitely get media coverage. People should be aware of the hideous shit that happens to our fellow people all over the world, every day. Maybe, just maybe, if enough people become aware, something will maybe, just maybe, get done about it. I firmly believe that. But...

SHE has been arrested 22 times, tortured so badly that her front teeth were knocked into her nose and had an AK-47 thrust up her vagina until she bled. Thabitha Khumalo’s crime: to campaign against a critical shortage of tampons and sanitary towels in Zimbabwe, one of the least talked about and most severe side-effects for women of the country’s economic crisis.

Is this really a crisis? No tampons? That is the most severe side-effect for women due to the rusty pitchfork clusterfuck that is Zimbabwe's economy? I would think that the most severe side-effect would be the lack of food, but hey, what do I know?

Now her cause has been taken up in Britain by celebrities including the actors Anna Chancellor, Gillian Anderson, Prunella Scales and Jeremy Irons.

Well, if celebrities are backing it, it must be rational and good.

It is no secret that I think most celebrities are vapid-headed morons, but if a celebrity backing a worthy cause gets people to donate money, then that is fine with me. However, it should go without saying that for the celebrity support to make any real difference in human suffering, said celebrity should support a cause that actually means something.

If these celebrities want to make a difference in Zimbabwe, they should be addressing the real problems there, like the corrupt-as-all-hell government that is causing the economy to crumble and thereby effecting a giant lack of food and other basic necessities for its people, not to mention the arbitrary arresting, torturing and killing that is police-backed, or the suppression of the media and the people's rights to assemble and protest.

Okay, so not having tampons? That sucks, sure. But women did not have tampons for a long fucking time, and we all got along just fine without them. There is a reason they call it "being on the rag," which, I think, comes from the fact that women used to use rags. This is probably difficult for Agent Scully to understand, but see, you just get a rag, bleed on it, and when it's too bloody, you wash it out and use it again. That is not rocket science. I assume that there are some rags somewhere in Zimbabwe. No food, but rags should be plentiful.

Later this month they will launch “Dignity. Period!”, a fundraising campaign to buy sanitary products for Zimbabwe’s women. It will start with a night of entertainment at the 20th Century theatre in Notting Hill, west London, hosted by Stephen Fry.

I am enraged by this because the larger issues of Zimbabwe's problems are not being addressed here. To kick up a fuss and have a Fancy Maxi-Pad Benefit Dinner about this minor problem that is wandering around amongst a host of hugegantic problems is ridiculous to me. And don't even get me started on the name "Dignity. Period!"

But hey, don't worry, Jeremy Irons! If you focus on the shortage of Kotex for long enough while ignoring the fact that these women don't have anything to eat, the tampon crisis will eventually be no more. You know why? Because not having enough to eat will make your period stop and the fact that you haven't got a tampon to plug up your fahgina will become a moot point.

And are none of them concerned by the fact that this Khumalo woman was beaten and raped with a big gun over something stupid like complaining about not having a tampon? To me, the most important part of this is NOT that she doesn't have any tampons, but that her ass got beaten for saying so.

I envision Agent Scully and Jeremy Irons trekking to Harare with boxes of Always strapped to their backs. They enter a slum, they smile broadly. "Women of this slum!" they announce. "We have come to end your suffering! Do not get too close to us, however, as you are Poor and Dirty and we are Rich and Famous."

The women pile out of their homes. "These Rich and Famous people are here to end our suffering? They have brought us food to eat? Money? What?"

"We have come bearing Tampax!"


At this point, my vision ends with the women ripping off Agent Scully's legs and beating her to death with them for being an everloving retard, but that is probably not what would happen. Probably the women would just shake their heads and go back inside, muttering about dumbass white people.

So, let's take a look at what we've learned today, class:

  • People in Zimbabwe do not have enough to eat

  • Jeremy Irons is a homo because he is worried about tampons

  • Women in Zimbabwe do not have tampons, and while this is sad, we should be more concerned that they do not have enough to eat

  • Gillian Anderson should be beaten to death with her own legs

  • Robert Mugabe is evil incarnate

  • Two people in the world so hated a child that they named her Prunella

I think that about covers it.

Carry on.

link | posted by Zombie at 6:42 PM |


Blogger skippystalin commented at 8:13 PM~  

You know who needs to get involved in this effort? Tom fucking Cruise is who! He is famous far and wide for his deep commitment to, and love for, Fahginas everywhere. Indeed, that love is lengendary and will, I believe, span generations. I feel less than a total man knowing that such love for Fahgina exists out there in the world.

Plus, he has Xenu on his side. That is a powerful, powerful ally to have, and Tom Cruise has his/her/its ear. Once Tom gets Xenu on board, it is only a matter of time before the thetans are sucked right out of Robert Mugabe and he ends up as docile as Katie Holmes.

Not only will Mugabe be a pussycat, but the fahginas of Zimbabwe will be liberated and, more importantly, possessed of a flowery freshness. It will only be regretable that they will all belong to Tom Cruise and his incredible heterosexuality.

How is it that I'm the only one who thinks of such things?

Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:27 PM~  

I don't give a flying buttery *fuck* about the human race, or their many and varied reproductive-related woes...however, I can think of many, many solutions [okay, maybe not *that many*] to this problem that don't involve mass donations of things that require indoor plumbing and a decent waste management system to dispose of -- and trust me, pads and tampons really do. I know. I had some utter *cunt* [the word fits] dump a boxfull of unwrapped used ones into my patio when I lived Where It Rains Inside. The smell....

It's resusable, and it's so fucking American everyone will love it! And it's got several brands! It's the Diva Cup! Or the Moon Cup, the Keeper, the Instead, or even the Lunette! It's a fucking *cup* you stick up in there to catch you uterine drippings, like a broiler pan for your vagina! And hey, you can even keep what you get for any rituals you may want to perform that involve menstrual blood, or maybe sell the stuff to neighbouring countries where they still go into a snit if the woman doesn't bleed all over the place on her wedding night.

There's also reusable panties with pads built in, and other stuff -- many from the same companies that make these funny little cups. They even have pretty patterns on them.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:30 PM~  

I totally forgot to mention -- the reusable-pad-panties even come in *thong*.

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:41 PM~  

See, there, excellent solutions all. None of which require that Agent Scully or Jeremy Irons or some unfortunate woman named Prunella to throw a Maxi Pad Dinner.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:50 PM~  

I just thought of a solution that could be almost free, depending on where the country is. I know my African geography the same way many people in America know their American geography.

They could all just go out and harvest sea sponges to stuff up there. These things sell as 'tampon alternatives' under the name 'sea pearls'....

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:39 AM~  


I am afraid to ask this, but I'm going to do it anyway:

Why is it that you know so much about Alternative Vagina Corks?

Anonymous Hunter commented at 9:31 AM~  

The Internet is a MAGICAL place!

I looked it up one day, a few years ago. Also, I knew someone in the military who couldn't use pads or tampons for some reason, and she used these disposable cuplike things. That might've been where I found out about Instead.

Blogger Zombie commented at 3:20 PM~  

I bow to your superior knowledge of the Alternative Vaginal Cork. I know naught of such things, since I do not have periods.

Thank you, Depo Provera. You are Awesome Indeed.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 4:26 PM~  

What, you think I know about these things because I need to? I, too, have fallen under the great and mighty power of the Depo Provera...and gotten the good side effect.

I just think these alternatives are neat and kinda wacky. And Google, like Depo Provera, is awesome. And you don't need a doctor to do stupid and pointless searches on google. If you did, I'd have never found the Menstrual Museum, or that horrible fanfic that involved Spike and Xander and the giant anthropomorphic cat costume.

I think maybe I'm seeing a problem here....

Blogger Ralph Nadir commented at 4:29 PM~  

Hey, go easy on Jeremy Irons. He doesn't really care about tampons for Africans, either. He just wants to be Agent Scully's Alternative Vagina Cork. And I respect that.

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