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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Death Lawn: The Lawn That Eats

I mentioned how the Water Authority came and dug up my front yard to do something to the pipes. In the process of doing something to the pipes, they managed to nick the water main, which meant more digging.

When they were done, they left several huge holes and piles of crap everywhere. It looked like an archaeological dig. I kept waiting for the kids to unearth some dinosaur bones or something.

Then, lo and behold, the other day, while I was at work, the Water Authority showed up and cleaned up their mess. They left us with a big patch of shiny new dirt that I will eventually put grass seed on. Like so:

SO WHITE TRASH IT HURTS


That is the view from my front stoop. You might think this is boring, but it's not. Really. It's not. See, right after they gave us the shiny new dirt, it rained. And the shiny new dirt turned into a bog. And my children immediately went to play in it.

And then there was a crisis that involved Meredith and her favorite flipflops and the Roommate and I don't know what else, since I didn't witness it all.

Meredith came inside and downstairs, shrieking that the yard ate her shoes.

"What?"

"The yard ate my flipflop."

"WHAT?"

Roommate cleared this up for me. Apparently while playing in the bog, the lawn started to eat my daughter's feet. Her flipflops were sucked from her feet and dragged under.

He managed to retrieve one:

Portrait of Loneliness: Sole Flip Flop


But the other one is lost forever. It has been absorbed into the depths of the lawn, never to be seen again.

You can see how I might find this interesting. I am thinking about what else to throw out there next time it rains. It could be a convenient place to get rid of all this junk I have to get rid of before I move. It could be a convenient place to hide the bodies of all those that piss me off. I've even contemplated chucking the children out there while they sleep. The Death Lawn would erase any traces of evidence. This is handy!

I may never put any grass seed down.


link | posted by Zombie at 10:20 AM |


3 Comments:

Blogger skippystalin commented at 10:52 AM~  

Zombie,

Most people don't know this, but I spent a summer doing lawn care/landscaping for a mall in my early twenties.

If there's one thing I learned it is that a hungry lawn can be a menace to public safety and threat to everything decent people hold dear. It must be kept fed at all costs. The consequences of not doing so are dire indeed!

However, I have found that hungry lawns love religious icons. Particulary statues of fat guys in diapers. I'm not sure why this is the case, but I do know for a fact that it is.

Just sayin'.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 11:24 AM~  

Let me know if this feeding thing works out. My lawn looks as if it could turn into a Lawn that Eats at any moment -- should we ever get enough rain.

Unlikely. But you never know. And what I'm really after is 'will it make the grass grow faster. If it does, I'll find all the fat-diapered-statues I can to feed it.

Anonymous cynlee commented at 3:23 AM~  

de lawn! de lawn!

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