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Monday, May 08, 2006

If You Deep-Fry It, They Will Come

I went out to lunch with some coworkers today.

We went to Bennigan's, which we are prone to do, as we are on a mission to outsmart them. You see, they have this 15-minute-lunch-thing, where they tell you if they don't bring your food out in 15 minutes, it's free. We keep taking them up on this offer, but alas, the wily, wily cooks at Bennigan's are speedy and have yet to fuck it up and give us free food. But! One day, they will screw up and our lunch will be free. I just know it. I can feel it in my bones.

In the meantime, it gives me an excuse to consume fried chicken salads.

The first time we went to Bennigan's, it was just me and Coworker #1. She ordered a hugegantic burger and I ordered aforementioned chicken salad.

"Man," she said, when our food came, "I'm eating a burger and you're being good and having a salad."

"Uh huh," I said, "This is a bowl of fried chicken, ranch dressing, shredded cheese, bacon, and hard-boiled eggs...wait, there's a piece of romaine. So it's totally healthy. If I hadn't seen that piece of romaine, I might've wondered about my caloric intake here. But no, it is healthy. And that makes me awesome and you a fat pig. Ha!"

It's great to be superior.

Anyway, today, Coworker #1, Secretary, Secretary's Boyfriend and I all went to Bennigan's. We did not outsmart them, as usual, but we did make it to 12 minutes, so it gives us hope that, one day, we will have free food.

Secretary's Boyfriend ordered this:

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If you don't know what that is and have never had the pleasure of eating it, it is a Monte Cristo sandwich.

The Monte Cristo sandwich is a culinary delight consisting of ham, turkey, swiss cheese and American cheese.

But wait! It gets better.

Said sandwich is then battered and deep-fried, dusted with powdered sugar, and served with some raspberry jam.

Oh yes.

Basically, it is a ham donut.

A greasy, battery, jammy, hammy donut. And really, friends and neighbors, what could be better than that?

When Secretary's Boyfriend received his plate and surveyed the gastronomical treat before him, his eyes widened in awe.

" this deep-fried? that...powdered sugar? Raspberry jam? Served...with a pickle and french fries? Oh my god!!"

He tore into his Monte Cristo with glee. We watched him consume half of it. Then he looked up, eyes wide and shiny.

"I can't believe I'm actually eating this. It's so disgusting, it's good."

If I ever open a restaurant, that's going to be my slogan. "Eat at Zombie's: It's So Disgusting, It's Good."

So, a good time was had by all. Bennigan's plays excellent songs at very loud decibels, so we all sang along with the theme to The Neverending Story, followed by Peter Gabriel's "Sledgehammer," which appears to play every time I step foot into this establishment.

Perhaps they know how I love that song and cannot keep from singing along, loudly and badly, whenever I hear it. Perhaps they play it to lull me into a false sense of security in regards to finally acquiring my free food. While I am busy going on about fruitcages, those wily, wily Bennigan's cooks are teleporting my fried chicken salad to the table with two minutes to spare.

Those bastards.

Anyway, that is the extent of anything interesting happening to me today.

Sad, isn't it?

link | posted by Zombie at 3:43 PM |


Blogger skippystalin commented at 8:48 PM~  

"Yammy, hammy donut" might be the single most brilliantly turned phrase I've ever heard. It's so lyrical and beautiful. It actually made me cry.

Now don't let that the fact that I don't read books, watch television or go outside get in the way, but I think you're a visionary. Verily, you can be the Voice of Ham Donuts the World Over. Many are called, but few are chosen.

Were Bennigan's smart or even decent people, they'd hire you as their national director of marketing. Of course, they won't because, as we all know, Bennigan's Hates Freedom.

Someone should tell the President about them.

Anonymous cynlee commented at 3:24 AM~  

A ham donut. Nope, that doesn't sound kosher, at all!

Anonymous Hunter commented at 5:44 AM~  

The Monte Cristo is actually my favourite thing to get at Bennigan's, and, honestly, it's not as bad as you make it sound.

I mean, maybe it is to the people who want only fat-free-diet-wholesome-organic-prune-juice dispensed in schools and office places, and anything other than approved foods eaten in public because of the phenomena known as 'second hand fat' [globbies -- invisible globbies -- of fat floating through the air, like secondhand smoke, but WORSE[!!!], and all the exposed people get fat and die from it because they absorb it through their pores [Or Something.],'s not *that* bad. It's not Deep Fried Krispy Kreme Bacon Burger bad.

And it is actually kinda yummy. And I figure, even though turkey gives me extra-medium-sized migraines, I might as well eat it, because I'm either at Bennigan's and sick anyway, or I'm at home and I can deal with it. Also, they won't let me have burgers the way I like them.

AND, it takes me about a week to finish that sandwich, so I get my money's worth.

Blogger Zombie commented at 7:58 AM~  

Skippy - I should totally handle marketing for Bennigan's. I would come up with new, improved slogans for them, like "Eat Here or Zombie Will Kick Your Ass Mightily" or "Shut Up and Eat" or something.

But I must concur that Bennigan's hates freedom, because if they LOVED freedom, like you, me, and Pamela Rogers Turner, they would concede to bringing out my ham donut and fried chicken salad in 16 minutes, so I could have said ham donut and fried chicken salad for free.

It's only fair, honestly. Bennigan's hates America.

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:00 AM~  


No, I do not believe the jammy goodness that is the ham donut is kosher at all.

To all my Semitic friends: stay away from hammy donuts.

You're welcome.

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:48 AM~  

Man, blogger sucks this morning.

Anyway, I was not knocking the Monte Cristo, Hunter. Anything deep-fried is a-okay with me.

Though I don't think I'd like to see what one looks like after sitting in the fridge for a week.

Also, I wanted to have a post that would allow me to say "ham donut" a lot.

I'm weird like that.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 9:31 AM~  

It pretty much looks the same as it did when they bring it out, although, by that point, there's far less of it. And no fries.

And I really just thought that the floaty-fat-second-hand-stupid-thing was an appropriate response. Because nothing says airborne fat like 'holy shit, deep-fried meat-and-cheesefest!'

Blogger Zombie commented at 11:45 AM~  

Secondhand fat kills...but not fast enough.

Blogger Ford commented at 1:43 PM~  

I knew a girl in college they called 'Ham Donut' but I don't think it had anything to do with a Monte Cristo.

Blogger skippystalin commented at 2:56 PM~  


You forgot Sean Connery as a Freedom lover. Now you're in for a smack.

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