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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Motherhood

Today is Mother's Day. Obviously.

I got the best Mother's Day present EVER. Would you like to know what it shwas? Okay, I tell you what it shwas.

A fucking fat lip, that's what it shwas.

I was laying on the couch and my tiny daughter sidles up to me.

"I will cuddle you, Mommy."

"Oh, that's nice, honey. How cute you are."

Her angelic face beams at me and she begins crawling up onto the couch and onto my stomach and then....WHAM, she headbutts me right in the mouth.

"AHHHHHHHH"! I scream, clapping a hand to my mouth and rolling onto my side, which dumps her onto the floor.

"AHHHHHHHH!" she screams back.

"AHHHHHHHHH MOTHERFUCKER!" I scream, pulling my hand away to see blood on my fingers.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" my son screams, for the hell of it.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" my daughter screams again.

"WHY IN HELL ARE YOU SCREAMING?" I scream. "I'M THE ONE THAT JUST GOT HER FACE MASHED IN."

"AHHHHHH I DON'T KNOW," my daughter screams.

"WELL, FUCK."

"FUCK!" screams my son.

"YOU STOP THAT!" I scream at him.

"DON'T SCREAM AT ME, MOM!" he screams back.

"WELL, FUCK! THIS IS A GREAT FAMILY BONDING EXPERIENCE, ISN'T IT, YOU LITTLE INGRATES?"

"WHAT'S BONDAGE?" screams my daughter.

"YOU STOP THAT!" I scream at her.

We're an ideal family, as you can see. We should be filmed for posterity. It would make a great documentary. We could title it How NOT to Raise Functioning Members of Society. Then we could do a follow-up documentary ten years from now, showing how my son is in jail for being a serial killer and my daughter is a cracked-out teen hooker with five kids, and they'll cut to me, earnestly asking the camera, "Do you think it was the heroin I mixed in with their Cheerios? It wasn't that, was it? I thought it would help them sleep...everyone knows kids need a good night's sleep to grow up healthy and strong..."

I am the Best Mother Ever. Being the Best Mother Ever means you get a fat lip that still hurts 11 hours later, and then you have to drink a beer. I was hoping for a bourbon IV for Mother's Day this year, but apparently my wishes are not important enough to grant.

Thanks, Mother's Day Fairy. Thanks a whole fucking lot.


link | posted by Zombie at 4:42 PM |


6 Comments:

Blogger skippystalin commented at 8:19 PM~  

I certainly hope you took the golden opportunity to teach the daughter all about bondage. This will prove helpful with the cracked-out teen hookery.

Children really are the future. You should teach them to be all that they can be while they're young.

Your son is different. All you need do for him is let him roam through your True Crime Library and he'll be spectacular.

Just follow my helpful advice and every day will be Mother's Day.

Anonymous cynlee commented at 3:13 AM~  

Follow Skippy's advice and every day will be f...u...c...k...ing mother's day.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:46 AM~  

And now I know why the post-Mother's Day Child Flea Market is one of the most popular. You, like so many other mothers who got nothing but a fat lip for Mother's Day, can sell your child[ren] to underaged labour people, or even to a famous hotdog manufacturuer. No sex trade, though. The people running the market don't allow those people in.

Anonymous Matt commented at 10:17 AM~  

Happy belated Mother's day Zombs.. in your case Happy MILF day heh ..yes yes I went the proverbial "there"

Blogger Ford commented at 9:24 PM~  

I'd like to go 'there'myself...

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 5:22 PM~  

Okay. This is a prime example as to why other females in the animal world are intelligent enough to eat their young at birth.

I mean, I would have eaten mine, but the damed nurses at the hospital surrounded her like an iron fence.

I bet she would have tasted great with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

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