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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Thoughts on the Tuna Christ

I love the Interwebs. The Interwebs is a wonderful place, full of wonderful things for me to gawk at, like this:

Ooooh! Entrancing!

The Interwebs is also a wonderful place for me to have wonderful conversations, such as when Hunter and I decide that the only way to save the human race is to airdrop inflatable fucksheep stuffed full of chocolate bunnies over Iraq, or when Indigenous Insurgent and I realize that he's gonna hafta choke a bitch because that's what bitches need, or when Skippy informs me that he's going to have to have four ribs removed so he'll never again have to deal with Unclean Bitches and their "Love me, love me" and "It hurts when you punch me in the face that hard" whining or when El Bastard orders me to bend over for Jesus.

It's very Deep and Meaningful and Important. Especially the bending over part.

There is a Dark Underbelly to the Interwebs, though. Sometimes, I see things on the Interwebs that make me want to bash my head on my desk repeatedly. Sometimes, I read something so stupid, so inane, so badly thought-out and repulsive, I want to scream.

But I don't scream. Because I have a blog! And that is what blogs are for.

I came across this via Skippy and Joan. And I just had to offer my thoughts.

It is no secret that I think women are getting too uppity. Gone are the days when men could safely club us over the head and drag us around by our hair without getting labelled "mean" or "abusive" or "woman-hater" or "foul scum produced by the patriarchial system which has wrecked the earth, ohmygoddess." And I think that's a damned shame. I don't know about y'all, but I would much rather have my ass spanked by a forceful man and ordered to get in the kitchen and knit a pie to earn my keep than go to work every day and be all independent and self-sufficient and empowered and whatever-the-fuck.

Feminists have ruined my life, I tell you what.

But that is not why I hate Laura over at I'm Not a Feminist, But.... No, I hate Laura because she's stupid. And I just can't tolerate stupid, even while I'm bending over for Jesus.

Consider the post linked above. Let's examine the choice bits, shall we?

Do you know what's really, really not funny about hate? That, apparently, feminists all hate men, and yet all the evidence points to the opposite: men hate feminists. Not only that; men hate women. Men hate me.

I am completely convinced that men hate Laura, but probably not for the reasons she thinks. I hate Laura, too, so it's not only men. If there's anyone out there that doesn't hate Laura, I'd be very, very surprised.

Let's find out why:

1. Men hate me when they rape. I am lucky enough not to have been raped (yet), but I still feel that hate.

Men hate Laura when they rape. All men that rape hate Laura. They specifically hate Laura when they rape, if I have read this correctly.

While it's unfortunate that Laura has not been raped (yet), I am going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that no rapist on the planet has ever thought, "Man, I hate that blogger Laura and because I hate her, I am going to go rape some random woman. Damn. There's one now..."

The "(yet)" part gets me, though, because it is as if her getting raped is a certainty. Something she knows is going to happen some day, because, obviously, she is likely to be raped.

Or maybe I have that wrong. Maybe it's a hopeful "(yet)," because once she's been raped, then she really has a reason to scream about what horrible beasts men are. Then she can become a card-carrying I've-Been-Fucked-By-The-Patriarchy-How-'Bout-You? Feminazi cult member. That's hot.

It is very hard to piss and moan convincingly about the System when the System hasn't (yet) fucked you in the ass.

I feel it when I know that, all around the world, women are being raped right this minute, right this second.

Well, dayum, who needs a vibrator when you're psychic like that?

Men hate me when they use porn. They hate me when they come to my sisters being abused and raped.

Yes, men hate Laura when they look at porn. Because porn is the Ultimate Evil, unlike, say, actually going out and doing the abusing and raping or something...

They hate me when they reduce me to two hands and three holes.

Hey, Skippy, this woman needs you to hold her like a bowling ball real bad.

They hate me when they deny the harm that porn does to women.

Hmm. I am a woman and I have never been harmed by porn. A man looking at porn does not bother me in the slightest (unless said man is in a relationship with me and looking at porn instead of fucking me. Then I might be annoyed.) and I am unsure how exactly naked pictures harm women, unless said women have been forced into posing or something.

I guess I am denying that porn harms women, too, so I hate Laura.

Men hate me when they type 'rape virgens' into google, or 'cut breasts fuck', or 'three men brutally rape woman'.

I guess I have to agree with Laura here. Men hate me when they type "rape virgens" into Google, too. Because it's spelled V-I-R-G-I-N-S, you gotards, and I am just pedantic like that.

Men hate me when they harrass women in clubs, on the streets, in the park, in bars, on the beach, at the bus stop.

Instead of thinking men hate you when they do this, Laura, have you ever considered feeling sorry for them? I get honked at and harassed when I am walking down the road sometimes and it has never occurred to me that the men doing that were hating Laura (or me, for that matter). I just thought it was annoying and sad.

If you'll notice, it's never decent guys that do that. It's not the guys you want to date. It's not the guys you want to fuck. It's the greasy, sweaty, oddly-mustached guys that do that. And do you know WHY they do that? 1) They don't know any better, and 2) they are pathetic.

So why should it bother you? Why not say, "Aw, fuck off!" and be done with it? It is not worth curling up into the fetal position about. Seriously.

Men hate me when they buy lads mags and calculate how much their girlfriend costs per fuck.

I am not sure what this means exactly. Is there a calculator in a lads' mag that allows said lad to tally up how much he's spent on dinner, flowers, cab fare/gas, cell phone minutes/text messages, therapy for having had the misfortune of dating Laura, etc, to find out how much you're worth per fuck? Because really, if it's not balancing out, I don't think the lad should be fucking you anymore. Unless you give FANTASTIC head or something, I think he's probably been spending too much.

Men hate me when they ask their girlfriends to get a boob job to spice up their sex life.

I wonder how many men actually do that. I was under the impression that most men saw breasts, any sort of breasts, and immediately went to Happy Land.

Most men do not worry about what our bodies look like as much as we do, Laura, hate to tell you. Plastic surgery is not an evil thing fueled by MEN wanting women to have the perfect body, but by WOMEN wanting to have the perfect body. Our weight issues, our my-nose-is-too-big issues, our my-tits-aren't-big/small-enough issues are just that. OUR issues.

Men hate me when they make malicious, sexist jokes.

Oh, silly. Those are funny. I know I am enamored each time El Bastard refers to me as "his ham wallet." What girl wouldn't be? Well, other than Laura, I mean. But we've already established that she's more than a bit dim.

Men hate me when they attempt to justify/ deny /defend any of the above.

Yes, because anyone that disagrees with you must just be a hater. Obviously. Laura is just like Jesus, hated the world over and persecuted and crucified for being nothing more than the Messenger of Truth. She's just like Christ. Only tuna-flavored.

I suggest we build a church right now.


Now, if I may be serious for a moment (but only a moment, I promise):

This brand of "feminism" annoys me. Men do this, men do that. If women do something stupid, it's obviously because men make them. Blah blah fucking blah.

Blaming men for our own shortcomings is a cop-out. Convenient, sure, but a cop-out nonetheless.

Are there some asshole guys out there? Sure there are. But there are a hell of a lot of decent men out there, too, that are patently not hating Laura every second of every day.

Are there some things out there that are "not fair"? Sure there are. But will whinging away about them on your little blog change anything? No. You put your head down and you put your shoulder to the wheel and you figure out how to change what you don't like. If you can't do that, shut up.

And I can certainly assure you, Laura, that talking like that will make sure men DO hate you...and then you can add a number 11 to your little list:

11. Men hate me because I'm an overbearing, obnoxious cunt that can't shut up.

Perhaps that should've been the entire list to begin with. It certainly would've saved us all the trouble.

You're welcome.

link | posted by Zombie at 7:17 PM |


Blogger skippystalin commented at 9:28 PM~  

As a "greasy, sweaty, oddly-mustached guy", I resent implication that I honk at you because I hate Laura. I do it because you have a spectacular ass that I would love to tap. On the other hand, I thank you for not mocking my horn. My mom paid a lot of meney for that horn. And the bicycle. And the helmet with the flames on the side. Even if no one else does, she knows I'm cool.

But the reason I that honk is that I'm shy. Very, very shy. I'd like to come up to you and say something suave, but the damage done by years of banging mt face face with a shovel because the voices in my head saying that "All Women Are Whores" just wouldn't fucking stop, plecludes my doing anything other than my doing anything other than grabbing my crotch until my knuckles turn white and grunting, "!"

Like I said, I'm really shy. And THAT'S why I'm having the ribs removed.

I'm just so tired of being lonely.....

Anonymous Hunter commented at 9:32 PM~  

Every time I see 'porn hurts women', all I can think of is *thock* "OW! HEY! WHO THREW THAT PORN! THAT HURT!"

Blogger skippystalin commented at 9:42 PM~  


Sorry about that. I should've aplogized earlier, but I'm a coward. Besides, you're real purty, too, and this also makes me shy.

By the way, can I have my copy of Butt-Banged Naughty Nurses 27 back now?

Don't make me tell my mom on you!

Anonymous Hunter commented at 9:48 PM~  


I bet you wouldn't be so lonely or shy or cowardly if you stopped hating whats-her-twat....

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 3:02 PM~  

Actually, Laura clearly shows she desperately wonders why she has not been raped by now.

Perhaps it is because her vagina it even more dull and boring than she is.

And remember. Porn only hurts women if you insert the video cassette into her sideways.

VHS, no Betamax.


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