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Friday, May 12, 2006

Wherein Zombie Makes a Confession

I have a confession to make. Oh yes. I have a deep, dark secret to share with all (3) of you.

This is a secret that has shamed me for many a year now. So many times have I wanted to just come out with it...so many times have I wanted to unburden myself, take this great weight from my shoulders, and admit it to the entire world.

So I'll just come right out and say it:

I love Lifetime movies.

I know. It is shocking. Sometimes, I wake in the night in a cold sweat because of it. How can this have happened? Where did my mother go wrong? Surely this is somehow her fault.

I just got done watching a Lifetime movie. I don't remember what it was called. It probably doesn't matter - they all have the same sorts of titles: Murder in a Small Town, The Other Woman, Her Best Friend's Husband, Pregnant at 16, Pregnant at 16 by the Other Woman's Best Friend's Husband Who Got Murdered in a Small Town.

All of the plots are basically the same. All of the actresses are Valerie Bertinelli or Tiffani Amber Thiessen or Corky's Sister from "Life Goes On."

But damned if I won't watch whatever movie they have on! I will watch it! I will sprawl on the couch with a can of Diet Coke and absorb myself in the trials and travails of indomitable women facing insurmountable crises that they will somehow, against all odds and in the space of two hours (actually less, since we will have many commercial breaks extolling the virtues of Monistat and herpes medication and diapers), manage to overcome with blazing triumph. And everyone cries and life is good again.

I have decided the reason I have no sympathy for anyone anymore is because I watch Lifetime movies. How can I feel bad for you and your stupid problem when Markie Post's ruggedly handsome son (played by Some Guy No One Knows Nor Will Ever See In Anything Again) may or may not have killed his girlfriend and his mistress and she is struggling with having unconditional love for her son while still abhorring the murders he may or may not have committed? How can I feel bad for you when The Hot and Popular Cheerleader As Played By Tori Spelling just got murdered because she was too hot and popular and Corky's Sister was everso jealous? Your angst and woe is NOTHING compared to the pain Tiffani Amber Thiessen suffered through when she got date raped and nobody believed her because the Ruggedly Handsome and Boyishly Charming Accused Date Rapist is really popular and all the girls love him and all the boys want to be his best friend because he is really good at sports, and also he has really good grades so all the teachers love him, so she just HAS to be lying, that cunt, that is until half of the girls in the town finally decide to come forward in the last 15 minutes of the movie to save the day and testify in court and put the Ruggedly Handsome/Boyishly Charming/Now Obviously Evil/Full of the Dickens Date Rapist in prison for 25 to life! You may THINK your life is crap, but you don't know what crap is until you're Corky's Sister and you've just seen your face on a milk carton and realized your whole life is a lie because some weird broad stole you out of a shoe store when you were five and raised you as her own and loved you like a real mother would and now you're having an identity crisis because you don't know who you are and you're a teenager and school is hard and your boyfriend is a spineless wimp but you love him anyway but how can you love anyone properly when you don't know who you are and you can't stop throwing stupid tantrums and the mental trauma is horrible and gut-wrenching!

I am wrung dry by Lifetime: Television for Women. And it got worse recently when they introduced the Lifetime Movie Network, because that channel is JUST Lifetime movies. All Lifetimes movies, all the time, my babies. It is glorious and sickening at the same time. I prefer now to watch the Lifetime Movie Network, since on the regular Lifetime: Television for Women channel, I am sometimes interrupted by 900 episodes of The Golden Girls, and while everyone knows I am a huge Blanche Devereaux fan, I really cannot be interrupted by ancient vaginas when I am trying to watch some broad get it on with some other broad's husband while stupid music plays in the background and you just know someone's life is about to get ruined, thankyouverymuch.

So this is why I am a cold-hearted cruel robot with no real human emotions, sportsfans. Lifetime movies did it.

Whew. You know, it felt good to get that off my chest. I should confess things more often.


link | posted by Zombie at 8:21 PM |


6 Comments:

Anonymous Hunter commented at 10:12 PM~  

You too? Really?

I got hooked on those movies because of Unsolved Mysteries, and I recently discovered the Lifetime Movie Channel, as well.

I have, however, been clean for a few years. Except for this one slip this year. You too can be free of this horrible disease -- and then we can probably invent a few hundred thousand deaths caused by it, and sue!

Anonymous cynlee commented at 10:28 AM~  

OMG! I thought only my useless-soon-to-be-x-sister-n-law watched that crap. Seriously, all the time, and she could never have enough drama in her life which is why she has left my brother and moved in with some sob--whom she was sleeping around with a whole year before she left my brother---and using my dad to take care of my nephew while she was out whoring around because my brother only worked 60 hours week to support his family...and it goes on and on.

So look, if you and Hunter start carrying on like her I'm gonna have call my congressman or some other shit and get that crap taken off the air.

Ah, I know you ladies are too smart for that---you write complete sentences an all.

My useless-soon-to-be-x-sister-n-law was so close to being an idiot, but nope, she was just in imbecile. Either way, we all suffered for my brothers (yet again) lousy choice in women. And dammit, we're stuck with her...my brother bred with her. F...U...C...K

Blogger Zombie commented at 10:44 AM~  

Cyn, that sounds like a Lifetime movie in and of itself. Perhaps we can write a script and you can make some cash off of it. That would make up for at least part of it, right? :-D

Blogger Zombie commented at 10:45 AM~  

Hunter,

I cannot kick the Lifetime movie habit. I will go for weeks without watching one and then there will be a commercial showing Anne Heche playing a dirty, dirty whore and ruining lives left and right and I am sucked back in. It's an affliction, I tell you.

Do you think they make an antibiotic specifically tailored for this disease?

Anonymous Hunter commented at 1:34 PM~  

I doubt they have an antibiotic -- it seems like more of a long term, many-times-daily overpriced pill and therapy sort of thing....

I have, however, found that when you get the urge to watch the crap, if you start cranking out really horrible ideas for their movies based on current events, you're suddenly a little bit better, and you can actually watch something else. So, you're on the right track with the in-law story, except you're going to need to either write in a GoodGirlMainCharacter, or clean the ex up by the end of the movie -- and we can't have *that*.

Blogger sdRay commented at 6:48 PM~  

My name is Ray and I just started a new blog about prayer of confession. Its a place where you can chat about prayer of confession confidentially. I hope you will come and check out www.MySecretConfessionSpace.com. Thanks for letting me post on your site.

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