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Monday, June 26, 2006

Ah Bartleby! Ah humanity!

Oh. Hi. I'm back.

Turns out, the laptop what weighs a million pounds and I lugged all over Detroit Metro and Sea-Tac and hell and back and so forth? Yeah, couldn't get online with it. Seven people in my mother's neighborhood had the wireless, oh indeed they did, but they had it security-enabled, thusly not allowing me to fucking use it.

Needless to say, I am disappointed that they would not let me steal their Interwebs. What sort of person doesn't allow ME, of all people in the world, to steal their Interwebs? I am shocked and appalled, I tell you. Shocked. And. Appalled.

As you can imagine, this causes the hate. I am like, "All you people, protecting your Interwebs from me? HATE SO MUCH."

I briefly contemplated wandering around the neighborhood, cradling the VAIO (which I also HATE SO MUCH, because could Boss let me bring along the tiny (albeit unusable due to its tininess) VAIO? No, no, she let me bring along the 9 million pound VAIO which has created a permanent dent in my left shoulder from the carrying and possibly has crippled me for life. Granted, she did give me a lovely burgundy DKNY bag to put it in, but I was all like, "I CANNOT BE BOUGHT OFF WITH EXPENSIVE DESIGNER BAGS! Wait, yes I can. Thank you! Squeal!")

Uh, tangent - where was I? Yeah, wandering and cradling, 'round the neighborhood, knocking on doors when the wireless signal gained strength, "Excuse me. Do you have wireless Interwebs in your abode? You do? Cool. Can I ask you a favor? Yeah. Can you quit being a twat and disable the security thing so I can steal your bandwidth? Much obliged."

Okay, I contemplated that more than briefly. But I did not do it. Because I am a nice girl. And also, carting around aforementioned laptop weighing approximately as much as the Earth? Too lazy for that. Way too lazy, friends and neighbors. Waaaay too lazy.

So instead of spending my usual inordinate amount of time online, I lounged about on my parents' patio and read many books and prattled on the phone to El Bastardo and sometimes Skippy and Caligula (from CIM, 'member him?) and got a sunburn, and even more scary, a fucking tan.

Yes, that's right. I have a tan.

It didn't start out as a tan, though. It started out as the Worst Sunburn in the History of the World, made even more upsetting by the fact that I acquired it in goddamned Seattle. If that's not a classic example of Adding Insult to Injury, I don't know what is. I am still burned on my arms, but my face has attained a strange golden hue that is totally freaking me out, man. Totally. Ahhhh. AHHHH.

I will take a picture of this cosmic joke when it's not 3 in the morning and I haven't just spent nearly 5 hours on a plane with two bouncing children. I will also take a picture of the strange bruise the 9 million pound laptop gave me on my shoulder.

I am afraid this post isn't making any sense, but I am sure you all can deal. After I grab some sleep, I will return to blog about Stupid Things That Always Happen to Zombie at Airports. Also look for upcoming installments in which we discover that my grandmother is now senile and discuss how strange it is that my little sister and I have managed to seperately develop uncannily similar senses of humor (not to mention taste in shoes!) and also how my mother didn't badger me nearly as much as I had expected, though she did lay out a few EXCELLENT Comments, and, of course, Why Jack in the Box Ruined My Fucking Day.

I think there's some other stuff to talk about, too, but my brain just shut down completely and I am sure than if I keep typing any more, it will end up like, "Hahaha, sandwich! Mofo. Woot! Firetruck! What? Pina colada."

Yeah, just like that.

link | posted by Zombie at 11:57 PM |


Blogger takin chances commented at 12:02 PM~  

Zombie...glad you make it back alive. Sorry about the tan.

Looking forward to the Comments!

Anonymous mary commented at 2:57 PM~  

I do hope you aren't like me and your tan fades. I've had tan lines from a bathing suit I wore last year. I am eagerly awaiting your mother's comments, being as how she and my mother-in-law must have been conjoined twins seperated at birth.

Blogger Zombie commented at 9:30 PM~  

Conjoined twins, eh? Maybe that's what that funny dent on the side of my mom's head is. That must be where they pried their heads apart and seperated their brains, forming not one but two demonic mothers capable of exhorbitant amounts pain and chaos.

Well-played, Doctor That Seperates the Evil. Well-played indeed.

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