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Monday, June 05, 2006

Taking Retards to the Zoo (And the Many Faces of Asher)


Today was my son's kindergarten field trip to the Toledo Zoo. I took the day off and went along, because I am still doing that pretending to be a good parent thing.

The day started off with me being crammed into a school bus with 50 screaming kids and their equally screaming parents. My son, surprisingly, was not one of the screaming kids.

I was so surprised by his utter well-behavedness (Is that a word? Whatever, it is now) that I leaned over in the seat and gave him a hug. "You are a good boy, Buster," I whispered into his sweet-smelling hair, having one of those Kodak moments where I envision that I am a capable mother and my children are lovely, cherubic kids that do no wrong and people want to take pictures of us and put us on greeting cards. "You're being so good. I love you."

"GOD, MOM! STOP IT!" he sneered.

Kodak moment over.

"Fine!" I said. "Screw you, then!"

"Whatever, Mom."

So much for that.

Anyway, we finally arrived at the zoo, where I covered us in SPF 50, thinking that would surely keep the evil sun from frying me.

If you don't know this already, I am white. In fact, I put the white in "kill whitey." If I go out into the sun without wearing something akin to a beekeeper's suit, I immediately burst into flames and cry. So, SPF 50 it was.

We rode the little safari train that takes you around the "African Savannah" while some chick with a microphone (that's as white as me, no less) speaks Swahili and points out zebras and termite mounds. Asher was entranced with the sight of a giraffe urinating.

"Who knew something could pee so much, Mom?" he asked in hushed, reverent tones.

Then we rode the carousel.

Riding wooden animals in circles is fun!

As you can see, Asher is making his Very Happy face again.


Still with the happy...

Wait, what's this?


A new face! I shall call this one I Think I'm Gonna Puke.

But it didn't last, of course. We got off the carousel and he stopped being dizzy and went back to normal.

Are we having fun yet? I know I am.

So, I think some of you might still think I am kidding about my son's distinct lack of facial expressions, but you would be wrong. I am not kidding. Enjoy the following.

Here is Asher, excited about looking at bears beating the crap out of each other... "WOW, MOM! CHECK IT OUT! THEY'RE FIGHTING AND IT RULES!":

Bears are kickass!

Here is Asher, after visiting his favorite place, the Reptile House..."WOW, MOM, CHECK OUT THE SNAKES! SNAKES ARE AWESOME! LOOKIT THAT POISON FROG! POISON FROGS ARE AWESOME!":

Snake Happy. It's like Slap Happy, but...Asher.

And again...

Can hardly contain the joy over here, people. It's a joy overload.

Here is Asher hating the paparazzi (that would be moi):

I am not ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.

And here is Asher enjoying his most favorite of treats, the raspberry smoothie:

This could use some vodka.

And so you see, my son's face is not very pliant for some reason - unless he's throwing a tantrum, that is... then he turns into the Amazing Rubber-Headed Boy. I'm not sure what has caused this. He is just stoic. Perhaps it is a genetic problem. His father wasn't possessed of all that many variations in the facial expressions department, either. Ryan had Blank Stare, Grimace, Grimacer, and Grimace of Extreme and Utter Hatred for Everything in the World DIE DIE DIE!

I myself make faces all the time. My only genetic problem is the one where I try to open the car door at the exact same instant you are trying to unlock it...five times in a row. And then you hate me.

But anyway...


And they were very cute and I was very pleased, as I am a big fan of penguins and would like to have one for a pet.

El Bastardo has already said he would buy me a pet midget, so I figure adding a penguin wouldn't be that big of a deal. Right? A penguin AND a pet midget, together, living with me? Bringing me joy every time they fetch the paper and mix me a cocktail? Doing little penguin/midget dances for my viewing pleasure?

My life would be so complete. I daren't even dream of the happy that would bring.

Sorry, got a little misty there.

So, that was my day at the zoo with my incredibly happy-looking son.

Oh yeah, and despite my SPF 50 forcefield, I got a goddamned sunburn anyway. I guess the sun has decided he's just not that into me after all.

link | posted by Zombie at 6:10 PM |


Blogger Ford commented at 12:39 AM~  

The Pink Floyd t-shirt just proves that you're the best Mom ever.

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