Thursday, June 01, 2006
Zombie's HORRIFYING LACK OF BELIEF IN DEITIES Boogaloo
When I got to work today, one of the interns was sitting on one of the large rocks in front of the office door. No one had arrived to let us in, apparently, so I sat down with her to shoot the shit, as it were. Because I was feeling friendly. I don't know why. Usually, I am not friendly that early in the morning. Usually, I am very much like "Get away or I'll eat your face off. Fucker."
So she asks if I go to school. I get asked that a lot, living where I do, because everyone my age around here goes to school. Except me. Because I don't need no education.
I tell her, "No, I do not go to school."
"Oh, did you graduate?"
"Nope. I possess a lowly high school diploma only."
"Oh. Well...what do you do here?"
"Content management. Web design. Tech support."
"How do you do all that without having gone to school?"
"I am magic."
"Oh," she says, nodding.
We sit in silence for a minute, then she says: "Have you read The Da Vinci Code?"
"No. I tried to, but got two pages into it and wanted to set it on fire."
"Well, I thought it was very thought-provoking," she tells me.
"You know it's not real, right?"
"Well, I think that..."
Silence. I realize I am not being very nice and I should not scare Intern on her very first day.
"So...did you like the book, then?"
"Yes. But I'm spiritual, not religious."
Oh fuck sake. If that isn't one of the most annoying phrases in the English language, I don't know what is. "I'm spiritual, not religious" does not mean anything. You might as well say, "I'm calamari, not megalomaniacal" or "I'm sea lamprey, not justified." See? No sense. That is what that is like. Note to Everyone: Do Not Tell Zombie You Are "Spiritual, Not Religious" or She Will Want to Claw Out Your Eyes.
Actually, don't even tell me you're "spiritual," because that annoys me almost as much.
"Ah," I say. I force myself not to tell her that's a retarded thing to say. After all, she is painfully young and possessed of a shiny, eager face. She means well. I hope she doesn't tell me she's pagan, though. I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut in front of pagans, even well-meaning, shiny ones. Especially well-meaning, shiny ones, actually. Oh well.
"I am Christian more than anything, though," she says. "Are you spiritual?"
"So you don't go to church or anything?"
"No. No, I don't."
"Because I'm atheist."
Small gasp. From her, not me. I am used to my atheism. It does not shock me anymore.
"So you don't believe in anything at all?! That's horrible!"
"That's not what 'atheist' means, sugar." Yes, I sometimes call people "sugar." It is a genetic problem. Also "honey." There is a tiny Scarlett O'Hara locked inside of me, begging for release. I think the hoop skirt is snagged on my spleen. Have to get that looked at. Anyway.
"What's it mean, then?"
Sigh. So I break out the old stand-by, "Okay, like, as a Christian, you believe in your god, but lack belief in Zeus, right? As an atheist, I just believe in one less god than you do. Like that."
"Oh. But what about evolution?"
"What about it?"
"Do you believe in that?"
"Oh. So who do you think created the universe?"
"No, saying I don't 'believe in' evolution does not mean I am a creationist. Evolution does not require belief. I accept it for the fact that it is."
"It's a fact. Evolution does not knock on your door, asking that you please believe in it as some of your fellow theists do. It just does what it does and that's that. It's not a matter of belief."
"Oh. I don't believe in evolution."
"Okay," I say.
"I don't really know anything about it, though. But I hear it's bad."
"Uh...okay. Why 'bad'?"
"Because, you know, I believe in God and all that, and even if I'm not into the whole organized religion thing, I think SOMETHING must have created us and so..." she trails off.
"Ah. Well, try to bear this in mind: evolution does not disallow for a creator god, okay? It does not tell us HOW we got here. Only what we did after we showed up."
"It's okay with me that you're an atheist," she announces finally. "I don't mind. Everyone should be entitled to their own beliefs."
"...or lack thereof, yes. Thanks. I'm okay with it, too. Or something."
She smiles. I try not to want to shove something sharp into my ear.
Then, thankfully, Boss shows up to let us in and I escape to my red, red office and let the red, redness soothe my homicidal mania and allow us all to live to see another day.
If I ever own my own company, when I make the applications for potential employees to fill out, it's going to say, "Are you spiritual, not religious? Check yes or no," and anyone that checks 'no' will be hired and given cookies and anyone that checks 'yes' will be immediately shot in the face and dumped into a ravine.
Because I will be an Equal Opportunity Employer like that.
link | posted by Zombie at 8:26 PM |
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