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Sunday, July 16, 2006

But Inside I Am Screaming, Plus Improper Thought Permuting

Sometimes, I can't sleep.

Last night, I couldn't sleep, even though I knew full well I'd have to go in to work today and break my brain just a little bit more on this project.

No amount of stern talking-to, desperate cajoling or weeping on the floor would make me sleep. So I read. Then I finished the book and couldn't bring myself to start another, so I dragged myself downstairs to see if any interesting infomercials were on.

None were, curse my eyes. None were.

But I did find a show on MTV called "Why Can't I Be You?"

"What could this be?" I thought, gazing at my handy Comcast guide thingie. "Could it have something to do with...

...? Has MTV made a celebreality show featuring Robert Smith, His Fabulous Hair and that dude in the black face that appears to be stuck in a pair of giant foam lips? Could my life be so gorgeously lucky?"

No. Unfortunately, this show turned out to have nothing whatsoever to do with The Cure. Sigh.

But it was surprisingly entertaining at 4 in the morning. See, on this show, you are some form of loser, and you want to be some form of not-loser, so you tell the show people you envy this other person, and then you ambush this person you envy and tell them you admire them and want to be like them. Then they agree to take you under their wings for 48 hours and teach you how to be like them and they get 1,000 bucks at the end.

My favorite episode of the three I watched involved a boy named Jonathan who knew he was too weird and wanted to learn to talk to the ladies. So he envied some dude named Cliff and went to live with Cliff for two days.

I am sure Jonathan is a nice boy that means well, but, I must say, he was a bit creepy. When he found out that Cliff was married, he was like, "Oh. Is she hot? What does she look like? What fragrance does she wear? When you sleep at night with her, do you put your arms around her?"

Uhm, okay...freak.

There was more weirdness from that guy, but I don't remember the specifics.

At any rate, the point is this: Someone should envy me so I can be on this show. I have two very excellent reasons why this is so. They are as follows:

1) I need a thousand bucks like almost more than I need air right now, and 2) I know there is some poor sap out there that just totally needs to be like me.

This is why I've taken advantage of my sleeplessness in order to compile a short guide to being me. You're welcome.

Being Zombie for Dummies: A Short Guide to Instant Fabulous

1.) Hate pretty much everything under the sun and absolutely everything not under the sun.

In order to more fully develop your Zombie Within, you must hate pretty much everything. These hatreds can be real or imagined and directed at things worthy of hatred or not. Above all, these hatreds should be strong to the point of being irrational. These hatreds should be all-consuming. Nothing is more Zombie-esque than all-consuming, irrational hatred.

Some acceptable objects of hatred include, but are not limited to, the following:

  • Anything animal

  • Anything vegetable

  • Anything mineral

If hating anything and everything animal, vegetable or mineral sounds too daunting for a fledgeling hater such as yourself, feel free to try hating some of these to get yourself started:

  • People that breathe too loudly

  • Cats (Note: It is acceptable to be only ambivalent about kittens, since kittens bring the cute hardcore, but will eventually grow up to be cats if not first shot in the head)

  • The dead chick with all the hair from the American remake of The Grudge

  • Israel

  • The fact that the Pope has a way cooler hat than you will ever hope to have

  • Skateboards

Choosing to hate even one of those will surely get your hating off on the right foot.

Now, it must be made known that Zombie only hates pretty much everything. In your quest to be more like Zombie, you are allowed to love some things. These things are as follows (and are limited to only those things that are as follows):

  • Hello Kitty

  • Diet Coke

  • MC Hammer (Extra Zombie Points if you manage to insert "Please, Hammer. Don't hurt 'em" into conversation daily. Please note that you must utter this in a completely deadpan voice and insert it randomly. Never say it if the conversation is actually about MC Hammer.)

  • Qdoba

  • Lifetime movies

  • Books

  • Fear Factory

  • Morris Day

It is permissible to love all of these things with abandon.

2.) Succumb to crushing despair and self-loathing at least once a day.

Zombie likes to temper her overwhelming hatred and rage with a daily generous dose of crushing despair and intense self-loathing. While Zombie's irrational hatred of most everything is the key to her fabulous, you cannot direct that level of hatred outward all day long without giving yourself a headache or stroke. No, sometimes you must direct the hatred onto yourself. It keeps the natural balance of the universe in order. And you don't want to be responsible for the Earth falling off its axis, now do you?

So, once a day, find yourself a completely inappropriate time and place to succumb to crushing despair and self-loathing. Develop a scathing inner monologue to help get you through it. Also, give it a catchy title. Zombie prefers to call her inner monologue "The Bataan Death March" and sometimes refers to it as a separate entity. You can also do this, but you must think up a different clever title for your inner monologue, or Zombie will hate you for taking her best line.

When succumbing to your bout of crushing despair and self-loathing, you may curl up into the fetal position in a corner, sob relentlessly at your office desk, wave your arms around like a newborn baby in a complete panic, or staple your hair to the floor. Extra Zombie Points for insomnia or vomiting.

3.) Acquire a daily theme song.

Zombie has a Daily Theme Song. This is a song that most exemplifies her mood that day. You should also have a daily theme song. Your daily theme song can be anything that catches your fancy, but cannot include any Top 40 hits or country songs.

A recurring Zombie Theme Song is the following:

Fear Factory, "Self Bias Resistor"

Burn your fuse to detonate the human machines of hate, indeed. Extra Zombie Points if you develop an unholy love for Dino Cazares and wish he would have your babies.

4.) Get a blog.

This is most important. Getting a blog can make or break you when it comes to Being Zombie.

Give your blog a pretentious title and harass people with artistic talent into making a banner for it. Extra Zombie Points if you inspire a comic strip from same artistic person.

When posting to your blog, try you use as many run-on sentences as possible. Zombie is very wordy and uses said wordiness to thinly disguise the fact that she has absolutely nothing of value to say. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn't, but you will find that the more wordy you are, the less people pay attention to what you're saying and just nod and smile.

Your blog will be an excellent place to spew out all your pent-up irrational hatreds. Take advantage of this. The real people around you will tire of your unending stream of invective eventually, so your blog is the best place to put it. Everyone knows that Interwebs people aren't real, so it's okay to say anything you want to them.

Extra Zombie Points if your blog catches creative Google searches like "vaginal cork" or "agent scully in a thong." Super Extra Zombie Points if your blog ends up being fourth on the Google list for "taking retards to the zoo."

5.) Congratulations!

Congratulations, sports fan. You are now well on your way to Being Zombie. Zombie hopes that you have found this short guide to be very helpful in your new venture. If you can master these four Zombie Skizillz, you will truly attain Instant Fabulous.

Good luck and fuck off!


link | posted by Zombie at 8:18 AM |


Blogger skippystalin commented at 10:48 AM~  

I've known you for many years and had no idea that you are an anti-Semite. Thankfully, your most excellent boobs make up for this.

Note to anti-Semites: Have a great rack.

Perhaps the Third Reich would have worked out better if Goering showed some cleveage. That we'll never know is one of history's great tragedies. Perhaps not as tragic as the Holocaust, because I'm not an anti-Semite like Zombie, but tragic because genocide should have some accompanying levity.

I'm not sure why, but that's important.

Anonymous Lly commented at 7:28 PM~  

"Good luck and fuck off!"


Love it.

I'm bored. That's why you have (so far) 2 comments from me.

Blogger Zombie commented at 12:40 PM~  

Yo, Lly.

I like comments. Leave as many as you want. :-D

Ve Haf Vays of Making You Post a Comment.