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Monday, July 24, 2006

Cell Phone Antics

I got a new cell phone today.

That couldn't be easy, though. No, of course not.

I ordered it from the online Sprint store a few days ago. It was a fantastic deal. Yay for me, I thought.

I fill out the little form thing. I get to the part where it asks for a home phone number, and leave that blank, as I do not have a home phone number. I have a company cell phone and that is all.

Order form won't let me continue without a home phone number. Hmm. So I click on the little button that says "Live Chat Support" or whatever.

An agent joins my chat and fun ensues.

I saved it to a text file for you. Aren't you happy.

Also, I changed the names so as not to reveal that ALBERT FROM SPRINT CUSTOMER SERVICE IS A FLAMING RETARD.

I'm so good at making friends.

Anyway, after I explain the problem about the home phone number:

Guy: Use a neighbors number

Me: Well, I can't do that. I don't know any of my neighbors like that.

Guy: use a family member in the area

Me: I have no family here.

Guy: you have to have a landline number in youre area so we can verify you are who you say you are

Me: Uh...using my neighbor's number won't verify anything about who I am.

Guy: It will show up as being in the area of your address when we run the reverse check.

Me: Oh. Okay. So, can I use the 7-11's number? That's close to my house.

Guy: No it has to be a neighbor or family member.

Me: Well, 7-11 is just as good, dude. Since I don't live with my neighbor or a family member, it's pretty much the same thing, right?

(long pause ensues)

Me: Okay. I will MOVE IN to the 7-11 and live in the milk case. How about that?

Guy: This is not a joke.

Me: I'm not joking, dude. I will live in the 7-11. All the Slurpees I could ever want. That would rock. And I will do this because I want your little cell phone OH SO BADLY. Really, I don't see why this has to be so difficult.

Guy: Its not difficult.

Me: Okay, it's not difficult. It's RIDICULOUS.

Guy: You could try calling Customer Support.

Me: Oh, I get it. Now you're trying to get rid of me, just because I don't have a stupid home phone number. That's discrimination. DISCRIMINATION.

Guy: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Me: Whaddaya mean "else"? You haven't helped me yet.

Then he did that "thanks for contacting Sprint" automatic response thing and left the chat.

Well, I never.

I ended up using my office's answering service number and ordered my phone that way.


Sprint didn't bother to email me a tracking number, so I call to get it today. They give it to me, and I check the UPS site to see that they'd tried to deliver it twice already, but since no one was there to sign for my phone, they didn't drop it off.

Okay, fine.

I call UPS to find out if they can just leave it at the door on their next attempt. No, the girl says, they cannot do that. It must be signed for. They will come back tomorrow and someone can sign for it.

"No," I say. "No one will be there to sign for it."

"Then you'll have to come pick it up."

"Okay. Where do I go to do this?"

"Give us a contact number and someone will call you within the hour, with a time and place to pick up your package."


"Lady, this isn't some sensitive material. It's just a damned phone."

"Someone will call you."

I think this is weird. What's with all the cloak-and-dagger? It reminds me of some covert espionage bullshit. I always wanted to be an International Spy Extraordinaire, but UPS isn't really my idea of high intrigue.

But fine, I want my stuff.

20 minutes later, my phone buzzes.


"Is this Zombie's Real Name?"


"This is So and So from UPS. We have your package."

"Okay..." I say. Oooh, they have my package. Is she going to ransom me for it?

"You can pick it up at 8:00 PM tonight at the hub on South Mansfield."

"Is this like some back alley thing?"

"Huh?" she says. "You'll need to bring some government-issued ID with you, like a drivers' license or a passport."

"Lady, it's not like this is CIA secrets or something. It's a damned cell phone."

"We just need to make sure you are who you really are, ma'am."

"That's okay. I ship all my CIA secrets FedEx, anyway."


"Nevermind. I'll be there at 8:00."

And so we go. I am half-expecting something interesting, like maybe teh FIBI or polices or something, but lo, it is only several other people waiting to pick up their junk, too.

But now I have a new gadget. My new phone is black and shiny and has a cool blue screen on the front that announces who is calling me.

It also takes pictures!

This will do wonders for the blogging. I can now take pictures on the fly - no longer will all (3) of you be bereft of pictures of Woman With Orange Hair That Exactly Matches Her Orange Shirt or Stupid Man in Ugly Bike Helmet and Tight Shorts.

I am overflowing with joy right now. Overflowing, I tell you.

link | posted by Zombie at 8:59 PM |


Anonymous Hunter commented at 11:23 PM~  

Beware the Sprint, for they are dumb as shit.

See, Gremlin did that once. Didn't have a home phone, used family information, and they billed him for, like, *three* different phones because they couldn't figure out that the address attached to that phone number wasn't the one he wanted it shipped to, because, y'know, 'billing address' and 'shipping address' are totally confusing....

Sprint be just awful like that. Actually, they're all kinda dumb, so...whatever has the best service in the area is the best bet.

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