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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Random Weekend Crap

I went to see Clerks 2 Friday night. I am a huge fan of the first Clerks movie and this was definitely a fitting follow-up. I laughed my ass off, and even now, two days later, when I think of some of the shit in that movie, I start laughing all over again.

Jason Mewes' impression of Jame Gumb's penis-tuck dance from The Silence of the Lambs, complete with the music, lipstick and nipple-rubbing (while wearing a "Got Christ?" t-shirt, no less) and tucked penis, was absolutely brilliant, and it is worth the price of admission to the movie for that scene alone. I shit you not, it is that good. Unfortunately, the folks I was at the movie with hadn't seen Silence of the Lambs (like, who hasn't seen that? Weirdos) and didn't understand why I was laughing so hard that I almost choked, but eh. What can you do?

So, go see Clerks 2. Right now. Unless you haven't seen Clerks for some stupid reason, in which case you should watch Clerks and then go see Clerks 2 immediately after that.

Thank you, Kevin Smith. You light up my life. You are also the wind beneath my wings.

****

I spent Saturday at Lake Erie, because I am dumb. One of the kids' dad's best friends called me around midnight Friday night, "Yo. Slut. Wanna go to J's birthday party tomorrow? I will come pick you up."

Me, "Sure, why not?"

Why not, indeed. While I had fun, seeing people I haven't seen in forever, and meeting J, who was turning one and whom I hadn't had a chance to see yet, it was hot, people. I mean, HOT. Fucking sweltering hot. No relief from the pain hot. Oh my god we're all gonna die from dehydration and sun poisoning hot.

And it was Hillbilly Central, too, so I saw more morbidly obese women in tiny bathing suits and beer-bellied toothless balding men in tiny swimming trunks than I ever hope to see in my life again.

Though it was sort of nice being the skinny girl. I felt petite and gorgeous. R, the kids' dad's other best friend was like, "GODDAMN!" at me.

"You lost weight!" he says.

"Yeah, going on like 50ish pounds now."

"You look great. I think I gained what you lost, though."

"Looks like it, you fat fuck."

"Thanks. Bitch."

Ah, the love.

Actually, that is love. That is how we talk to each other. When D pulled up in his truck to get me, I greeted him by shouting, "Sup, faggot!" and he greeted me back with, "Get in the fucking truck, you slow whore."

"Slow? I hope you're not trying to insinuate that I might be retarded or something."

"No, I mean you take too fucking long. When I want to call you retarded, I just call you retarded. Retard."

"Okay, just making sure. Dick."

And so on for the hour ride up to the lake.

And that was fun.

Y'know, except for the heat and the rednecks and the being surrounded by a bunch of people I don't know and don't care to know.

But I really just wanted to see R and D and the baby, so I guess it's all right.

I did get to see some excellent things that day, though, like the following:

1.) No less than 10 different overweight men pedalling around on undersized bicycles, which prompted D and I to sing "fat man on a little bike!" repeatedly, every time we spotted one, and giggle hysterically.

2.) The idyllic scenic view of a nuclear power plant rising above the horizon over the lake. Ahhh, nature.

3.) A small child on another bicycle, with a large black innertube slung over his shoulders, peering desperately above its surface so he could see to steer, and failing miserably, thus producing a strange weaving motion and eventually causing him to ram into a tree.

4.) 5 grown men playing with what I was informed was a $300 remote control monster truck. Which, granted, it was very fast and they could make it do neat tricks, but hello, grow up. Okay, I confess: I sat and watched them play with the damned thing for at least 20 minutes, mesmerized and slack-jawed with what I won't call awe - it was probably heat stroke.

5.) The cutest one-year-old that wasn't my kids at one-year-old desperately trying to cram her birthday cake up R's nose.

6.) A brand-new minivan someone decided to paint "GIT-R-DONE" on with what appeared to be black spray paint.

I imagine how that conversation went:

"Honey, you know what would make this here van perfect?"

"What, Jethro? Another gun-rack?"

"Shit naw! We already done got 2 of them! Naw. What would make this here van perfect is if'n I take some black spray paint and write "GIT-R-DONE" on the side! Whatcha think 'bout that?"

"Jethro, you is the smartest man that ever was! Getcha ass out there and paint that shit up! We'll have the best lookin' minivan in the trailer park and that Claudine down t'street gon' be SO JEALOUS! She think she better'n everyone else now she got one of them doublewides."

"Shit, I just want you to have the best, honey. Only the best."

7.) A woman that must've weighed 450 pounds wearing a bright blue and white flowered bikini - with an attached skirt, for modesty, I'm sure - screeching at her slope-shouldered husband to find out where the hell the chips went.

Then she was distracted by another fat woman screeching that her fat ass didn't "need no chips nohow" and to just shut the hell up.

"YOU shut the hell up! I'm starving! Besides, I already done lost 35 pounds with that Weight Watchers," screeches the bikini atrocity.

"35 pounds?! From where? You ain't lost no 35 pounds! You as fat as ever!" shouts the other woman, cackling.

Another screeching fat woman joins in with: "Well, she did get her hair cut!"

"Hmm. All right. That greasy mess might've weighed 5 pounds at the outside, but if her fat ass lost 35 pounds, then I'm the Queen of Gawdamned England."

8.) While sitting on a blanket with someone's Aunt Peggy, keeping an eye on 6 kids swimming in the lake, she remarks to me, "I hope none of them kids drowns, 'cos my fat ass ain't running out there to save 'em."

"Well, that's okay, I guess. I know CPR and stuff. I used to be a lifeguard in high school."

"Yeh, but you gon' have to run out there into that water and get 'em if they drown and it's HOT."

"Yeah, you're right. If a kid starts drowning, we'll just let him drown."

"That's right. If he don't got the sense not to drown on a day like this, then he don't deserve to breathe anyway."

"Amen, Aunt Peggy."

Hmm, maybe it wasn't such a wash after all. It's not every day that you get to observe such interesting things.

All together now! Fat man on a little bike! Fat man on a little bike!

*****

I spent today watching Flightplan with Ms. Jodie Foster (wasn't bad, wasn't great, wasn't a complete waste) and then hauling a bunch of junk out to a friend's van for his church rummage sale. The bastard church won't take clothes or books, though, so they suck. Their Jesus must be too good for the likes of readin.'

He's coming back for another load of crap on Friday. Which is great. Take it all away! I don't want any of it anymore!

Oh yeah - for those of you that expressed interest in taking some of my books off my hands, email me and we'll get the logistics sorted out.

*****

That is all. Carry on.


link | posted by Zombie at 3:08 PM |


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