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Friday, July 14, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday: Special Friday Edition

I will first announce something I actually love. I love it that when I went to the clinic on Wednesday for the Shot of Death in my stomach, I got weighed.

And I have lost 50 pounds in the last three months and that is FANTASTIC. So go me. I love me. LOVE ME. I love me so much right now that I could almost throw all caution to the wind and marry myself at the guitar-shaped Elvis chapel in Vegas.

Except writing that down reminds me that I am terrible to be around. If I am going to marry me, I should first do some serious thinking about it. Some in-depth (non-existent)soul-searching. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with me? Do I want to have a family with me? Am I really the right person to saddle myself with forever and ever amen?

On second thought, maybe I won't marry myself, even if I do love me deeply at the moment. Maybe I should just buy me some new shoes instead.

Anyway, now that we've got that brief bout with mental illness out of the way, on to the hate...

1.) That chick with her bare foot hanging out of the car window.

Whenever I see a chick with her bare feet hanging out of a car window, I instantly choke on hatred. Usually, you see this happening on the passenger side of the car. You can guarantee that the chick doing this is white and lives in a trailer park somewhere and is probably missing at least one front tooth.

However, today, I witnessed something new. On the way home from work, I saw a chick with her foot hanging out of the driver's side window of the vehicle. Because she was driving.

Why would someone do that? Is that even comfortable? How do you drive like that? I don't know, and I don't want to ask her to find out, because I would much rather carve up her face with one of the empty cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon that I am sure are rolling around on the floor of the car, but still...if you're going to hang a body part out of a car window, please make it your head, so it hopefully smacks into something and there's one less fucktard in the world.

Y'know, I have come to the conclusion that I have road rage.

Which is made odd by the fact that I don't actually drive. But I do have road rage.

As soon as I get into a car, I'm pissed off. If someone goes too slow, I am like, "T-t-t-today, junior!" and if someone goes too fast, I am like, "Slow down, jackass!" I wave my hands at people, like, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" when they do something stupid, such as breathe.

No breathing. Not on my watch. I won't have it.

But this topic brings me directly to my next topic of hatred, which is...

2.) Feet.

I actually just hate feet in general. Even though I love me and briefly considered marrying me today, I don't even like my own feet.

And I certainly hate your feet, so just keep them away from me.

Feet are only there to keep your ankles from wearing down. Otherwise, they are just disgusting appendages that I do not want to look at.

3.) Nicole Richie.

I hate you, Nicole Richie. I know I have never met you, but that's okay. I see you enough every day, from reading The Superficial and Pink is the New Blog and all of those other celebrity gossip blogs I cannot stop looking at, to know that I hate you.

I don't hate you because you are so thin I can see your spleen clawing at your ribs and gasping for nourishment. I don't hate you because you have a freaky little beaky face, either. Mostly, I hate you because sometimes I see a photo of you in which your skin is the same color as your hair, and that creeps me right the fuck out.

Skin is not supposed to be hair-colored and vice-versa. Please stop that right now. If you don't stop that right now and I someday see you on the street with skin-colored hair, I will surely snatch you bald-headed.

Just sayin.'


Anyway, there is extraneous and ill-thought-out hate for you for Friday, to make up for my short and brain-damaged hatey post for Thursday. Aren't you so lucky.

link | posted by Zombie at 4:11 PM |


Blogger feather commented at 8:00 PM~  

I broke my foot once, couldn't drive without holding it out the window, so I drove with it propped out the window a bit resting on the rear view window, hehe, yeah,, and I have all my teeth ;) my legs are super long so I could do that ya know. Congrats on losing the weight, thats got to be the best feeling in the world. Your blogs are wonderful, keep on writing!

Blogger feather commented at 8:01 PM~  

grrr that was meant to read REAR VIEW mirrow,, ooops

Blogger feather commented at 8:01 PM~  

m-i-r-r-o-r, ok IM going to BED,

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:15 AM~  

Well, but I assume you had a cast on. If I saw a cast, I would understand. Just a bare foot hanging out of the window, though? Bleh.

Anonymous mary commented at 11:34 AM~  

I assume people hang their feet out the window to get a nice air draft going to their skanky crotch.

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:51 PM~  

That's probably right, Mary...ew.

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