Thursday, July 27, 2006
Things Zombie Hates Thursday, With Special Guest El Bastardo
It's that time again...no, not that time. The other time. Silly.
I loathe humidity with an unreserved passion. When it is humid, I am put in a foul mood that can only be partly lifted by smashing something or perhaps acquiring a fine Wendy's Frosty for myself.
There is nothing nastier than stepping outside of a morning after a nice shower and immediately feeling as if you've been smothered with a hot, wet, moldy blanket. Wow, that's sexy.
Sometimes I feel like I just feel bad for emos more than I hate them, but then I realize that I'm actually feeling bad because I don't have a bourbon IV and the feeling bad has nothing to do with the emos at all and I really just hate them.
Seriously, emos. I hate you.
Not long ago, while I was in St. Louis, I got dragged by a 13-year-old into a Hot Topic. I was horrified, but couldn't leave the girl alone, because she'd never been to such a large city before and was therefore pretty much helpless and I was worried that if I took my eyes off of her for longer than ten seconds, she might morph into a cracked-out hooker with glitter on her face or something.
So, I am stuck in a Hot Topic. I notice they have t-shirts on sale for 5 bucks. Hot Topic or not, a deal is a deal! I start flipping through the stack of shirts.
"Crap emo band. Crap emo band. Crap emo band. Limp Bizkit. Korn. Crap emo band. These shirts suck."
As I am muttering this, I look over to see three little emo kids staring at me, with big velvet deer eyes.
"Aww," I think. "I wonder if they will cry."
They don't cry, and this saddens me, but while the girl is paying for whatever random crap she decided to purchase, I strike up a conversation with the cashier dude after he compliments me on my Cannibal Corpse tank top.
"Yeah. Thanks. Dude, how do you stand this place? It's like...emo central..."
He nods sadly.
"It's like, I'm looking through those shirts, and it's like, crap emo bands left and right, and I am commenting on them, and I look over and there's emo kids right beside me. The horror."
"Yeah," he says. "This place is crawling with them sometimes. I can't escape the Fall Out Boy and the stupid hair."
Look, emos. You suck. There's nothing that will change that. Your clothes are lame, your bands suck, and your hair is fucking ridiculous.
Look at this hair!
I think that first one might be a girl. I am pretty sure the other two are boys. But it's hard to tell.
I can ignore emo girls for the most part, because I hate girls anyway, but emo boys, uhm, you're boys. What's with the lady jeans? What's with the makeup? What's with that flippy hair thing? What's with the sensitive weeping?
You may think chicks will dig you if you act like a sensitive poet and write a stupid song about love and killing yourself because you're so misunderstood while you weep in a corner...but I will let you in on a little secret. Chicks might say they like the sensitive type, but they really don't. You may keep the chick for a little while, but she will soon tire of your mood swings and go after the hot jock that can wipe the floor with you and your stupid haircut while belching and smashing a beer can on his head.
If you want to mope and embrace the darkness or whatever the fuck you think you're doing, go goth. Goths have a sense of humor, at least. And much better music. And generally not so stupid hair, though that can be tricky (Perky goths, I'm looking at you.)
I will leave you with some friendly advice: stop stealing your mom's jeans and mascara, lose the stupid music, and stop crying all the fucking time. No one gives a shit about your sad, misunderstood suburban life. Wah.
Here's a video:
And another, in case you've never heard emo music, in which case, you used to be fortunate but now I've ruined you:
And now, to wrap this up, I bring you my most wonderful El Bastardo, who hates everything like me and is also large and angry, with a section called El Bastardo's Views on His Fellow Man. This week, he takes on people with retarded bumperstickers.
First, I hate idiot bumpersticker patriots. For example: "We do not negotiate with terrorists." How fucking stupid. I mean, we have done that for years? Moammar Qaddafi. The Pan Am bomber. Did we not negotiate with him and Libya? Hell, Cheney did illegal business with him during the embargo. And who are you supposed to negotiate with, if not your enemies? Friends? Family members? Kids? That is WHAT negotiation is!! Fucking stupid. Treaties are not negotiations? If we do not negotiate with terrorists...WHAT THE FUCK ARE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATERS FOR?!?!
And there you have it. A bunch of hate, some stupid haircuts, a funny video set to a terrible song, and El Bastardo calling more than half the people in this country idiots.
A fine Thursday, indeed.
link | posted by Zombie at 5:58 PM |
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