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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday, With Special Guest El Bastardo

It's that time, not that time. The other time. Silly.

1.) Humidity.

I loathe humidity with an unreserved passion. When it is humid, I am put in a foul mood that can only be partly lifted by smashing something or perhaps acquiring a fine Wendy's Frosty for myself.

There is nothing nastier than stepping outside of a morning after a nice shower and immediately feeling as if you've been smothered with a hot, wet, moldy blanket. Wow, that's sexy.

2.) Emos.

Sometimes I feel like I just feel bad for emos more than I hate them, but then I realize that I'm actually feeling bad because I don't have a bourbon IV and the feeling bad has nothing to do with the emos at all and I really just hate them.

Seriously, emos. I hate you.

Not long ago, while I was in St. Louis, I got dragged by a 13-year-old into a Hot Topic. I was horrified, but couldn't leave the girl alone, because she'd never been to such a large city before and was therefore pretty much helpless and I was worried that if I took my eyes off of her for longer than ten seconds, she might morph into a cracked-out hooker with glitter on her face or something.

So, I am stuck in a Hot Topic. I notice they have t-shirts on sale for 5 bucks. Hot Topic or not, a deal is a deal! I start flipping through the stack of shirts.

"Crap emo band. Crap emo band. Crap emo band. Limp Bizkit. Korn. Crap emo band. These shirts suck."

As I am muttering this, I look over to see three little emo kids staring at me, with big velvet deer eyes.

"Aww," I think. "I wonder if they will cry."

They don't cry, and this saddens me, but while the girl is paying for whatever random crap she decided to purchase, I strike up a conversation with the cashier dude after he compliments me on my Cannibal Corpse tank top.

"Yeah. Thanks. Dude, how do you stand this place? It's like...emo central..."

He nods sadly.

"It's like, I'm looking through those shirts, and it's like, crap emo bands left and right, and I am commenting on them, and I look over and there's emo kids right beside me. The horror."

"Yeah," he says. "This place is crawling with them sometimes. I can't escape the Fall Out Boy and the stupid hair."

Poor guy.

Look, emos. You suck. There's nothing that will change that. Your clothes are lame, your bands suck, and your hair is fucking ridiculous.

Look at this hair!

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I think that first one might be a girl. I am pretty sure the other two are boys. But it's hard to tell.

I can ignore emo girls for the most part, because I hate girls anyway, but emo boys, uhm, you're boys. What's with the lady jeans? What's with the makeup? What's with that flippy hair thing? What's with the sensitive weeping?

You may think chicks will dig you if you act like a sensitive poet and write a stupid song about love and killing yourself because you're so misunderstood while you weep in a corner...but I will let you in on a little secret. Chicks might say they like the sensitive type, but they really don't. You may keep the chick for a little while, but she will soon tire of your mood swings and go after the hot jock that can wipe the floor with you and your stupid haircut while belching and smashing a beer can on his head.

If you want to mope and embrace the darkness or whatever the fuck you think you're doing, go goth. Goths have a sense of humor, at least. And much better music. And generally not so stupid hair, though that can be tricky (Perky goths, I'm looking at you.)

I will leave you with some friendly advice: stop stealing your mom's jeans and mascara, lose the stupid music, and stop crying all the fucking time. No one gives a shit about your sad, misunderstood suburban life. Wah.

Here's a video:

And another, in case you've never heard emo music, in which case, you used to be fortunate but now I've ruined you:

And now, to wrap this up, I bring you my most wonderful El Bastardo, who hates everything like me and is also large and angry, with a section called El Bastardo's Views on His Fellow Man. This week, he takes on people with retarded bumperstickers.

First, I hate idiot bumpersticker patriots. For example: "We do not negotiate with terrorists." How fucking stupid. I mean, we have done that for years? Moammar Qaddafi. The Pan Am bomber. Did we not negotiate with him and Libya? Hell, Cheney did illegal business with him during the embargo. And who are you supposed to negotiate with, if not your enemies? Friends? Family members? Kids? That is WHAT negotiation is!! Fucking stupid. Treaties are not negotiations? If we do not negotiate with terrorists...WHAT THE FUCK ARE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATERS FOR?!?!

Another bumper sticker that makes me want to pull over the driver and cave in his extra-Y-chromosome-skull with a shovel: Confederate flag stickers.

"It is not about racism, it is about heritage."

Umm, HELLO, stupid fucker. Yes. The heritage of your ancestors OWNING SLAVES and going to war over them!!


Another sticker that makes me wish I had a Stinger missile launcher in the grill of my car: Sportsmen for (insert idiot politician here).

Yeah, getting shitfaced, hiding in a tree platform, wearing camo, and shooting a deer is SO fucking manly and sporting. If you consider that a "sport," then stop being a pussy. Strangle that buck with your bare hands after you chase him down.
Invite that bear to a knife fight.

I have more respect to the idiot redneck who says, " Yeah, well hunting is me getting liquored up and going out and killing something!" than I do the homo who claims, "It is sporting, as it is the thrill of the hunt, like any predator enjoys."

Right, faggot, so arm that mountain lion with an uzi and get back to me.


"These animals will starve unless I blow them away. It is helping nature."

Umm, gee, shithead, so before you and your .303 came along, when the animals WERE starving to death, that was NOT a part of nature?

Yet another sticker that really chafes my ass: "My kid is an honor student at (insert stupid school name here).

Guess what, Soccer Mom and Office Dad..NO ONE FUCKING CARES!!

I want a sticker that reads "MY kid beat the shit out of your nerdy honor student."

Or better yet: "Yes, let's learn to alienate kids further by gleefully exclaiming that, compared to your brood, the other kids are fucking mongoloids."

And finally, pro-life stickers. "It is not a choice, but a child."

Oh really? Until it is developed, it is a blastocyst.

Like the 50,000 you find in any fertility clinic.

So here you go, pro-life fuckers. A little moral dilemma: A fertility clinic is burning down. Inside are 50 embryos and a 3 year old. Since all that "life" is so precious, who do you save? The child or the cells?


And there you have it. A bunch of hate, some stupid haircuts, a funny video set to a terrible song, and El Bastardo calling more than half the people in this country idiots.

A fine Thursday, indeed.

link | posted by Zombie at 5:58 PM |


Blogger skippystalin commented at 2:44 AM~  

Actually, if you were to count the people in the country that El Bastardo didn't call idiots you'd have a nice round 12.

It seems as the though the only people he spared were those stupid liberal cocksuckers. Which really isn't fair. Liberals hate being left out of anything.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to jerk off and do other Canadian things.

Anonymous Hunter commented at 4:56 AM~  

Great, I've become a Anne Rice Mary eyes are all purple and bleeding because of those emos. I haven't had this bad a reaction since that Invader Zim mpreg....

On a happier note, I'm not one of those 'pro-birth, because we don't give a shit what you do after that' types, so I know what to do if a fertility clinic is burning down with a three year old inside. What you do is scream, "Who was trying to get that three year old pregnant in the first place?" and walk away, because, shit, I'm fully developed, so my life is worth more...and their insurance probably wouldn't cover me.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 8:59 AM~  

Actually,I tossed the 3 year old into the clinic after I set it ablaze. It was a social engineering experiement.

Also, I only like 11 people in the world. I now hate you, skippy.


Blogger takin chances commented at 11:59 AM~  

That was a beautiful post and I was so glad to read the hate of others.

I would've wept, but I'm not a pussy emo.

Blogger Ford commented at 11:59 AM~  

I'd like to say that I agree with everything EB said, but I would like to point out that the majority of hunters aren't drunk (at the time) and most of them (the non-politicians) won't give you that bullshit about sport. Most of us hunt because animals is damn tasty and they taste enen better when you shoot them right between thier big innocent-looking, unsuspecting eyes.

Blogger skippystalin commented at 7:30 PM~  

Jesus fucking God and all the Dwarves in Disneyland!You try to compliment a guy on his attempt at hatred and he gets all fucking emo on me.

You folks just aren't committed enough to hate like me. I'm all about keeping it real, after all.

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