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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday

Wella-well, it's Thursday again already and that means it's time for more hate!

1.) Being chained to my desk.

Today was the last day of Insane-o Huge Important Project Thing at work, which is nice, but it also meant I was to be chained to my desk for the better part of 9 hours. Being the Idiot Savant Tech Person that I am, I had to run interference like a mofo from the office where the technology lives, while the other members of my office made a Large Presentation to Important People With Much Money in another state.

From the moment I set foot through the door, I was doing stuff. Fixing this, deleting that, making a new thing, breaking something else, fixing it again, etc. I had several people telling me to do 900 million things. I was bizzy as all hell.

But then I had to pee. So I left my desk for all of two minutes to do so. I came back to my desk to find several frantic MSN messages telling me to answer the phone and like 3 missed calls. In two minutes!

Then Intern came to the door and said, "Boss says you can't leave your desk. We will order you lunch and dinner. I will bring it to you when it gets here. If you need a drink, message me and I will bring you that, too. Where do you want food from?"

Well, damn. I can't leave my desk? But...I sometimes have to go to the bathroom. Will they bring me a bucket? Perhaps a litter box? Sheesh. Hate!

I ignored the orders to not leave my desk, because, really, I will not hold it for hours on end and that's just silly, but made another intern keep an eye on my monitor whenever I left, with instructions to scream bloody murder if anything popped up on the screen or caught fire or disappeared into a black abyss.

None of that happened, and I got free Chinese food, so I guess it's not all bad, but honestly. They are totally not paying me enough to piss my pants.

2.) That Woman In Front of Me at the Checkout With a Million Coupons.

You, Woman With Coupons, I hate you. I hate standing in line a lot, but I hate it even more when I am stuck behind you.

I hate when you dig through your handy accordian folder with grim determination, muttering all the while that you're just sure you had a coupon in here somewhere for 10 cents off Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese. I hate when you brandish a fistful of crumpled paper bits at the cashier, who then has to sort through them and scan them all and it takes forever.

I hate when you argue with the cashier when said cashier will not accept a coupon for a dollar off toilet paper when you are trying to buy tampons. Do you not understand that toilet paper and tampons are not the same animal? Why would you get a dollar off tampons when the coupon is for toilet paper? That makes no sense at all. Perhaps your brain is addled with a money-saving fog and decides that since both toilet paper and tampons are vaguely bathroom-related, they are somehow the same thing, and therefore interchangeable.

I understand that you want to save money. I know the value of a good deal, being generally poor as dirt. I myself even employ a coupon from time to time. But I will never, ever be caught dead haggling with a harassed, zit-faced 16 year old boy at a cash register over a nickel and a loaf of fucking bread.

If that nickel is so darn important, perhaps you don't need to be eating. Perhaps you should be saving up your nickels for the coming worldwide plague instead, so you can bribe your way out of having to be one of the many slaves that we smarter folks will require to till the soil and haul rocks around. If you have enough nickels, we might allow you to perform other functions up at the Big House, such as laundry or cocktail-mixing. However, if you shrink any of my clothes or fuck up my drink, no amount of pretty, shiny nickels is going to save your ass from being locked in a box and poked with sticks for my amusement.

So keep that in mind next time you hold me up in line at the checkout, m'kay? Glad we could have this talk.

3.) Wiccans.

My hate for Wiccans is made of a pure, white light that shines forth from the very essence of my being.

I don't just hate Wiccans because they are irrational theists. Irrational theists bug me, but as long as they keep their irrational theism to themselves, I am generally fine. After all, there are a lot more irrational theists wandering around than there are those of us that are happily godless, and as we are one of the most hated philosophies on the planet, we must sometimes just move along and ignore the stupid lest it overtake us completely and we be washed away on a tide of idiocy and retardation.

No, I hate Wiccans because of their tendency to smug self-righteous indignation and rigorous clinginess to ridiculous shit.

You see, your average Wiccan isn't very bright. Your average Wiccan is convinced that his or her religion is ancient and that it has Been Around Since the Dawn of Time Itself. Your average Wiccan traipses around yammering about the Goddess (and any goddess will do - Kali, Hecate, Isis, Diana - doesn't matter, just pick one that you think sounds sexy and roll with it) and brandishing a hubcap-sized pentacle. Your average Wiccan was bored of Christianity and wanted to rebel against society but was too scared to try devil worship.

Your average Wiccan shrills about Merry Meet and Merry Part and Bright Blessings and White Light and other such nonsense. Bad things do not exist to the average Wiccan. The average Wiccan only does good "magic" or "magick" or "majick" or "majik" or "majgisodgsda" or however we're spelling it this week. There is no grey area. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. Your average Wiccan thinks life is all cupcakes and sparklies. Your average Wiccan is delusional.

But while your average Wiccan clutches desperately to this shady ideal of goodness, it also is desperately in love with the dark side, be it vampires (or vampyres or whampyres or whatever other stupid shit) or Vader's version of the Force or playing an evil mage in AD&D. Your average Wiccan shops at the Hot Topic and gets its incense from the local Kroger.

Your average Wiccan is all about compassion and love for Nature and Everything In It, but will not hesitate to attack you viciously if you dare disagree with them about anything.

Your average Wiccan will also not hesitate to brand a Christian an idiot for his or her beliefs. Yes, belief in Jesus is SO FUCKING CRAZY as compared to your belief in several thousand gods and goddesses belonging to several hundred different cultures and pantheons, not to mention your belief in faeries, dragons, ogres, elves and talking elk or whatever. Faeries = normal and rational. Guy that may or may not have lived 2,000 years ago = REALLY FUCKING BIZARRE.

There are two types of Wiccans that I hate most. The first can be called several things: Fluffy Bunny, White Lighter, Everloving Retard, Waldenbooks Witch, or, my favorite, Dances With Credit Cards.

You all have seen Dances With Credit Cards. She's the one lounging about in the New Age section of Borders, wearing something suitably black and gothy, complete with Cleopatra-style eyeliner and henna-tattoo ankh. She's buying all the Silver Ravenwolf books she can carry, with Daddy’s credit card. At home, locked away in the solitude of her pink gingham bedroom (Mom and Dad won't let her paint her walls black, they are so lame and do not understand her unique individuality), she will write spells for love philtres and dark darky poetry about dark darky darkness. She hates Christianity, and all Christians are out to get her. If you poke her with a stick, or even just glance at her books casually, she will not hesitate to expostulate on the glories of Wicca, and the common misconceptions of this Goode and Ancient Crafte.

Much like one of those toys on which you pull the string so that it spits out certain phrases, Dances With Credit Cards is programmed to say certain things, such as:

"Male witches are not called warlocks!"

"Christianity stole things from us!"

"I swear to Gaia!" (Variations on this theme include, but are not limited to: "Oh my Goddess!" "Oh my Lord and Lady!" and "Oh my Gods!")

"Wicca has been around since the dawn of time!" (Variations on this theme likewise include, but are not limited to: "I am a 65th generation Wiccan." and "I learned this Ye Olde Ancient Crafte from my great-grandmother’s diary. She was burnt at the stake in the Salem Witch Trials, for being a real witch. It’s genetic, you see.")

"Who in Summerland is Gerald Gardner?"

"REMEMBER THE BURNING TIMES!"

I want to have a burning time every time I see one of these fuckwits staggering around under the weight of too much AquaNet and Ye Olde Booke of Shad0wz0rz that she keeps in her Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, frantically searching for another spell to make Bobby the Quarterback recognize her special need to give him head.

The second type of Wiccan that I hate so much is truly hideous. This one is the Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex. Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex is a whole lotta woman. Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex loves the skyclad dancing and mutters incessantly about the Divine Feminine.

Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex has to mutter incessantly about the Divine Feminine, because her vagina must somehow be special as compared to the rest of us that never really worried about whether or not our vaginas were divine. Without her Special Vagina, Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex will not be able to attract skinny, acne-scarred Wiccan boys and lure them away from their twelve-sided dice and mail-order QVC katana stroking. And if Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex can't do that, then Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex can't get laid. How will Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex celebrate her Divine-Vagina-Havingness if she can't get some sweaty potato-chip-crumb-covered Tantric porking?

Never fear, though, because Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex is also probably bisexual, as that gives her more opportunity to engage in sexual encounters. Also, being part-lesbo is in this season.

And woe unto Zion if two Fat Wiccan Goths in Spandex meet and decide to have some lovin.' The stench of Doritos and long-forgotten vegetable-matter playthings wafting from the collective vag in the waterbed will be enough to drive all of the neighbors screaming from the area.

Poor neighbors.

Poor me, for having had that mental image.

And poor you, for having me subject you to what goes on in my brain. THIS is the true crime of Wicca. Wicca makes me think of rotten vegetable vagina. It is a menace to society indeed.

If you have nightmares because of this vegetable problem, I might be sorry. But probably not.

You're welcome, anyway.

In conclusion, Wiccans make me completely lose my shit. If you are Wiccan and you are reading this, do us all a favor and burn yourself at the stake so I don't have to think about you existing on the same planet I do.

I'll even supply the lighter fluid and spring for those more-expensive strike-anywhere matches, just to make sure it catches good and hot.

Thank you and good night!


link | posted by Zombie at 7:20 PM |


77 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 12:49 PM~  

And do not forget the most horrifying thing of all regarding wiccans: going skyclad.


Nothing wants me to want to claw my eyes out more than the vision of a dozen, fat wiccan chicks, dancing nude to a full moon.

With their floppy boobs bouncing around like a windstorm at an airport. Or even worse, watching as their cellulite churns around like a giant latex bag filled with cottage cheese.

Oh...the horror...


EB

Blogger Sigivald commented at 1:01 PM~  

We call 'em "Pesky Pagan Posers" around here.

...

"Oh, you're Wiccan? You mean, that religion Gardner made up in the 50s? How's that workin' for ya?"

Anonymous Hunter commented at 11:48 PM~  

For great horror, add years.

No, seriously. Poorly aged, overweight fifty year old-looking wiccans with a love for the skyclad. and a bigger love of the see-through everyday-wear.

Blogger takin chances commented at 12:25 PM~  

This was truly disturbing image, but on the upside, Trapper Keepers were awesome back in the day.

Thanks for keeping the Hate real on Thursdays.

Blogger Zombie commented at 3:53 PM~  

Hey, you know what's stupid? Somehow, comment moderation got enabled on my blogger. Turned that off. Now you may say nasty things to me freely. Hooray.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 10:22 PM~  

Dude. GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!! Wiccans are not all Dances with Credit Cards(I agree that this type is a little annoying) and Fat Wiccan Goth in Spandex(That was grossly inacruate and insulting. And no, I am not fat.). You are what Wiccans call, Sir Hates-alot. You can't find a better way to waste your time than beating on some poor Nature-loving religon. Go kill yourself.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 10:23 PM~  

Fuck you. That's all.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 12:34 PM~  

Yeah, unfortunate, but true. I can't say evey Wiccan follows these stereotypes...but a large majority do.

And One thing I've learned from my experience from Wiccans over the years is:

They all want to clean up the earth, but none want to clean up the living room.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 4:52 PM~  

Hahaha I liked the Wiccan piece. Though I guess it does depend on where you live as well...

I am Wiccan, was I supposed to be offended? Either way it was amusing.

Now where's my matches I've got me some burning to do!!

Peace,

Liam

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 9:56 AM~  

To me Wiccans are scum. In the UK Wicca is seen has the refuge of the weak and the inadequate who cant cope with reality or proper occult training. Wicca is beneath the heal of the golden Dawn the OTO, Thelema, Freemasonry, and occultism. Wicca is for the lazy who want to hide behind the "oath" so that they can spout BS. If you see a Wiccan cross the road, dont slow the car for them.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 5:59 PM~  

Alright, you don't have to be nasty.
I happen to be a Wiccan and none of these stereotypes fit me. You know what? I don't care about the fact that you disagree with what I believe. That's fine, but you have several misconceptions on our religion. Our religion is not ANCIENT, it is BASED on ancient relgions, it is actually only about 60 years old. Second of all, not once have I ever lectured ANYONE on my beliefs because I felt like it. And no, we are not Wiccan just because we're too scared to worship the devil. We don't even believe in the devil. Wicca is a pure religion, based on the purity of nature's beauty, and whatever god or goddess said Wiccan may happen to worship.
I am not preaching, I am just pointing out misconceptions on your part. Some Wiccans are like you say, most are not. So stop hating and start minding your own business, especially on matters you know nothing of.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 5:40 AM~  

I remember when our local newspaper tried to do a piece on wicca...
Not only was she fat and spandex clad but her "altar" was covered in the most hideous little pastel ceramic fairies. That's just tacky.
I don't mind alternative religions- I mind the historical inaccuracy of wicca. Taking tired stereotypes of ancient religions, throwing them together, and shopping at Hot Topic for gear...that's enough anachronism to make me vomit. I just want to meet someone who is wholly dedicated to, say, worshiping Thor authentically, not in the RenFest groupie way.

- Nauseated historian

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 9:43 AM~  

I used to believe in stereotypes like that: until I opened my mind and actually did research. Stop being a hypocritical loser, get a life and open a book--and not the Diaries of the Hypocrites either. If you even TRY to read Buckland or Cunningham, you'd find out the TRUTH abaout Wiccans.

And the devil is a Christain concept. We don't believe in him.

The average Wiccan is NOT easily persauded. Most know Wicca is based on ancient religions. If you'd done any reasearch, you'd know this. Just like you'd know Goddess worship HAS been around since the beginning of man; cave painting prove it.

Most learnt Wiccans are Gray Wiccans, again, something you'd know if you'd open a book.

And if you just skipped all that, then let me make a suggestion:

Go burn yourself. Here's a match.

Blogger Angela commented at 7:30 AM~  

Loved it. Have a similar series on my blog myself from the standpoint of having been one for over a decade and "waking up" from a long sleep of being retarded. The people involved in it are probably the most selfish that you will ever meet - they wouldn't pee on you if you were on fire, despite many assertions in the religion to the contrary.

I really loved the section on the "programmed sayings" and the fact that they think Christianity is crazy. Around here the "programmed saying" is "many paths lead to one mountain", but behind closed doors most Wiccans decry Xianity as total horseshit. I've come around to the opinion that all religions are pretty much horseshit designed to control the masses, including Wicca. Well done and don't listen to the idiots commenting here (Sir Hates-A-Lot - wow, that was real original, did your HPS give you a free lavender dream pillow for coming up with that? Loser.)

Blogger Krystal commented at 12:48 AM~  

Oh that was a nice piece. But I do believe you were talking about teenage wiccans and maybe wiccans in their lower twenties. There are plenty of "wiccans" (although they really call themselves witches, pagans, or what ever fits their fancy) that actually know a lot about the history attached to what they believe. Those that I'm talking about are normally more advanced in age, although some are younger (having been taught by the not-so-dramatic "wiccans") or some are like me, found wicca interesting, and realized that there was a lot more to Gerald Gardener and looked further into it. And just for the record, young wiccans don't think that Christians are crazy for believe in the existence of Jesus, they think they're crazy for the way they go about brainwashing people with the bible. So what do people like me who actually know (or well I don't know so much as I am studying and becoming more aware) about the occult and witchcraft in general call themselves? Historic Witches? ... Heathens? What? Any ideas? Because when someone asks what I am I normally say Pagan and then when they say "oh you mean wiccan" i normally say "No otherwise I would have said Wiccan. But I do have a lot of nature like wiccan qualities, ie, clean up the earth". etc etc. Either way, any ideas? Oh and being against the Burning Times? What's wrong with that? That's like telling the Jews to go gas themselves because they like to think there'd never be a holocaust again. The reality is that believing in more than one god did literally get you killed and even today it happens (although by numbers far less then thousands of course). Oh and I practice doing things skyclad, and yeah a lot of wiccans are fat, but are we sure it's the fact that they;re wiccan? Or is it that there's a fat epidemic in America? Because I'm skinny enough to wear a bikini and actually look good, so no not all wiccans are fat. Actually only one of my "wiccan" friends are fat (grotesquely unfortunately) and the rest (which is a lot) are all slim (some a little pudgy though lol). Yuck I've lost my train of thought and I'm rambling. But yeah it was pretty ignorant to address your hates to all believers of wicca because not everyone is like that in the slightest, it may seem like that to you because it's usually the younger ones who are showy about it. The older ones are smarter and don't want to ris their jobs (and yes it is a job risk, hence why I can't get a job within a 40 mile radius of this fucking place). Although I'm not showy, I wear a pentacle necklace now and again on special days and when people ask me what I am, I'm too stubborn and proud not to tell them. My fault I suppose. All well. Stand up for what you believe in.

Blogger Angela commented at 6:16 AM~  

You must have actually known some Wiccans. I was one for about 15 years and there is no more retarded religion on the face of the earth. You can't say I didn't give it a good run.

The people who get involved in it are not only more smug than Baptists about their spiritual path, they are gobsmackingly stupid. The combo of stupid and superior is kind of like a train wreck - you can't stop watching, but you have to eventually.

It's all just a bunch of grownups whose mommies/daddies/etc. didn't love them enough trying to find both a sense of family and play a live-action D&D game. There are some nastier elements too it that you won't hear about from the standard internetz white light crowd, such as ostracization if you don't tow "the party line", losers on welfare trying to use religion as an excuse to bilk others out of their money, and psychological and sexual abuse. Luckily, most Wiccans get "out of it" when they grow up. It's the ones who don't that you have to watch out for.

Blogger Nichole. commented at 2:55 PM~  

Wow. Okay, please stop the Wiccan hate.

I have been a Wiccan for a couple of years now.

First of all, I do not choose a random goddess. I chose my goddess, Athena because I hold her beliefs the most. She represents a strong, young woman, which is who I want to be. She is the Greek goddess of War and Wisdom, and I like that. I feel closer to her than any other goddess. I also pray to many other gods and goddesses, mostly part of the Greek and Hindu pantheon.

Secondly, Wicca was popularized in the 1950's, but it is based on Pagan traditions of the Celts and Vikings which came before many religions, but that doesn't mean that our religion is better than the ones that came after it, just different.

Then there is the fact that we don't think Christianity or other religions are crazy, just a different path to choose.

We don't wear GIANT pentacles... I actually don't even own a pentacle. I don't think life is "full of cupcakes and sparklies", I live in one of the toughest neighborhoods in Philadelphia, PA... trust me, I know that the world is cruel. I've seen people get shot, beaten, and when I was 7, my friend got stabbed. Trust me, I've had my fair share of the cruelness in this world.

Ever since Twilight came out, I can't stand vampires, and I actually shop at Macy's and Forman Mills, and Payless... not Hot Topic. That is an emo/goth/crazy people store... that store's atmosphere scares me... alot.

And for the poster who says we pray naked and stuff... "Skyclad", very few Wiccans do that. I don't because I'm not comfortable with it. I don't like to show my naked body. Wiccans are not forced to perform skyclad, it's only for Wiccans who are comfortable.

And correct me if I'm wrong, but you are an athiest, right? I have no problem with atheists... actually, my boyfriend is an atheist who LOVES George Carlin and stuff. He respects my beliefs though, which I love him for doing. The problem I have is with athiests like you. Who believe you can totally disrespect every single religion. You want respect for not believing in God(s), give us some respect for believing in our Gods and/or Godesses.

Learn show some respect and please educate yourself.

Blessed Be )o(
~ Nichole B.

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