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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Wherein I Say Many Things That Are Only Funny to Me and El Bastardo

El Bastardo and I frequently have interesting conversations, many of which would make for excellent blog fodder (except for the pornographic ones, because NO), but many of them might give away his Secret Identity, forcing him to retire to his Fortess of Bastarditude for the forseeable future, lest some crazy supervillain rear its ugly cartoony head and perhaps annoy us both.

And we all know how well I deal with being annoyed...let's just say that annoying El Bastardo could, quite possibly, be even more detrimental to your health than annoying me would be.

Except I can annoy him all I want without too much of the whole fearsome repercussions thing, as I am charming and adorable and also have large breasts.

Ha ha, I win.

Anyway, last night on the phone, I was musing on what to blog about today and we somehow ended up doing the laughing-hysterically-thing at a conversation El Bastardo once had with his best friend (we generally laugh about this at least three times a week, sometimes more), and it was decided I would blog about that. But we'll tell it from MY point of view, because, really, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want. So there. I shall try to recreate it as accurately as possible.

Zombie's Cell Does That Little Vibrating Buzzy Thing It Does When It Lives in Her Pocketses

Zombie: 'lo?

El Bastardo: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Zombie: Er.

El Bastardo: AHAHAHHAH. Oh. HAH. K, so I was just talking to Best Friend and he is having a problem with his girlfriend.

Zombie: Okay...

El Bastardo: And he is like, "I need some advice." And I am like, "Well, what is the problem?" AHAHAHAHAH.

Zombie: Okay...

El Bastardo: He says, hahahhaha, he says, "She won't let me fuck her in the ass anymore."

Zombie: That is a terrible problem, indeed.

El Bastardo: Yeah, it is. So he asks me if I know of any good ways to casually work it into conversation, subliminally-like, so that he can fuck her in the ass again.

Zombie: Because that's such a casual-conversation-like topic...

El Bastardo: Yeah. So I say, "How the FUCK can you work that into conversation? 'Hey, baby, how was your day? Wannafuckyouintheass. Nice weather we're having, isn't it? CanIfuckyouintheass. What do you want for dinner tonight? Fuckyouintheass?'"

Zombie: Well, that could work, I guess...

El Bastardo: And he says, "FUCK YOU!! Come on. Stop making a joke out of this." And I say, "How can I NOT make a joke about this!? Come on!! How the fuck can you bring that up in conversation?"

Zombie: Wait, I have an idea. You tell him to get a little tape recorder and record himself saying, "You want me to fuck you in the ass. You need me to fuck you in the ass," over and over again. And then he can put it under her pillow at night while it plays. And while she sleeps, it will become ingrained in her mind, and when she wakes up, she'll be all like, "Hey, you know, I want you to fuck me in the ass! I need you to fuck me in the ass!" And bingo, buttsecks galore. That's totally subliminal.

This conversation took place many weeks ago, but we still laugh about it a lot and come up with new ways for Best Friend to subliminally mention this to his girlfriend.

Last night, we thought he could do it like they do at the movies: y'know, when they're playing that little "Let's go out to the lobby and have ourselves a snack!" thing with the box of popcorn and the box of Raisinettes and the paper cup of pop doing a conga line across the screen, and the subliminal "DRINK COKE NOW" thing comes up, and suddenly, you are very thirsty for a Coke and you go get one, because the subliminal message has compelled you to?

Except Best Friend could just insert a picture of his girlfriend's ass and a picture of his penis where the "DRINK COKE NOW" is, and that would totally work, I think. Totally.

Really, it's no wonder that it's turning out that I am pretty good with the whole marketing thing.


link | posted by Zombie at 2:33 PM |


5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 3:59 PM~  

You forgot to mention how he was whining about how she was not blowing him anymore either. But the ass sex sums it up.


EB

Anonymous mary commented at 11:09 AM~  

Was he wanting blown before or after the buttsecks?

Blogger Zombie commented at 12:02 PM~  

I will go ahead and say "before," but that's just to save my own sanity. In reality, I am not sure. EB can clarify, as he has no compunctions about harming anyone's sanity, even my own. Sigh.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 6:11 PM~  

If she eats a lot of ruffage, then he wants the bj before the rump rangering.

Anonymous cynlee commented at 3:26 AM~  

I try so hard not to imagine.

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