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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Zombie's Movie Review Corner

Breaking news: I've watched some movies. Ooo. I've recently seen two movies that are new to me. I am usually behind on these things by at least 7 years, so bear with me, okay?

The Jesus Snuff Film

Up until a couple of weeks ago, if anyone asked me, "Have you seen The Passion of the Christ?" I could say "NO, NOW GO AWAY" quite honestly. I can still say "GO AWAY" honestly, but I cannot still say "NO" without being a lying liar. Well, actually, I can say "SORT OF, GO AWAY" since I didn't finish the movie.

My mother had the DVD while I was out in Seattle and I thought, "I have nothing better to do. I might as well finally watch this film that has changed the lives of millions."

For instance, it changed my father's life in a profound way: he discovered that sometimes movies aren't in English and there's just nothing you can do about it.

My sister told me that she walked into the living room to find my father staring at the TV and banging the remote on the coffee table.

Not So Shrinky-Dinky Sister: What's the matter, Dad?

Dad: This damned DVD is broken or something.

Not So Shrinky-Dinky Sister: Looks okay to me.

Dad: Yeah, but it's not in English.

Not So Shrinky-Dinky Sister: Uhm...

Dad: Can't find the thing that makes it go back to English. It's the damnedest thing ever.

Not So Shrinky-Dinky Sister: Dad, you can't make it go back to English. The movie is in Aramaic. And Latin.

Dad: Well, what the hell kind of stupid thing is that? Why the hell wouldn't it be in English?

At this point, my father apparently got fed up with foreigners invading his TV and turned it off, never to try to watch it again. Fair play to my Dad, I say. If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for us! We don't need any funny-talking trying to fancy up the joint, do we?

Indeed, Dad. Indeed.

Despite the marked lack of English in this movie, I decided to watch it anyway. Please let it be known here that I don't like movies with subtitles, on principle, because such movies generally involve a lot of moody staring into space and dramatic pastoral scenes replete with shepherdesses and mules or whatever, and I can't really be bothered with all that. I want stuff to blow up, or, at the very least, catch fire, and we all know that foreigners are just no good at that, don't we?

The exception to my no-foreign-language-movies-EVER rule is, of course, Bollywood films, because I am consistently amused and fascinated every time there is a very dramatic scene in which all life hangs in the balance, and suddenly, everyone breaks out into a cheerful song-and-dance number, thusly relieving the tension and distracting me with shiny turbans. I love that.

Anyway, so I settled down with a Diet Coke and The Passion of the Jesus. Now, I had heard about this movie, mind you. I had heard that it was violent. I had heard that it was full of the gore. I love me some violence and gore, especially when it's directed at the Son of God, so yay for this! Bring it on!

I got to what I'm guessing is about halfway through - Jesus was just arriving, with much fanfare, to the top of Golgotha - when I gave up and turned it off.

For real, y'all, what a lameass movie. Sure, there was violence. Sure, there was gore. But it all just seemed so pointless. I like my violence and gore to have a point, dammit. After all, this was a Mel Gibson film. I kept expecting Jesus to rise up against those doing him harm and start kicking a little ass, hero-style, like, "You made my mom cry! I won't have it! I'm not going to do what you bad guys want me to do! I'm not going to die for any sins on your terms, oh no, I am going to save my family and blow shit up on my terms. Perhaps wearing a tricorn hat! Take that, Romans!"

Suffice it to say, I was very disappointed, because this never happened. Instead, it turned out to be the same tired Lamb-of-God-Who-Takes-Away-the-Sins-of-the-World-Miserere-Nobis bullshit, except with a weird bald chick in a cape.

While I might generally not be adverse to a weird bald chick in a cape making a cameo appearance in a film I am watching, did she really have to have that freaky fat baby with her? I mean, what was up with that? What were you trying to say, there, Mel? I dig that the weird bald chick in the cape was supposed to represent Sin or Evil or something, but what does a freaky fat baby represent in your strange, strange canon? Perhaps this was a nod to the accepted horror-flick custom of including an evil devil child to add a certin je nais se quoi to the whole thing...? "Jews in fabulous hats are scary, sure, but what would REALLY get them is if we have the weird bald chick in the cape cart around a malformed, obese infant! I smell an Academy Award, fellas!"

Perhaps Mel just has a thing for freaky fat babies. I certainly don't know. Sheesh.

But seriously, Jim Caviezel is the worst Savior of Mankind ever, people. He got his ass kicked and didn't even whine about it. Nary a peep did Jim Caviezel make. If I was getting my ass kicked like that, I wouldn't be all pious and For God So Loved the World. No, I'd pipe up with at least one "If you kick me in the kidney one more time, Evil Roman Footman #12, I am so not dying for your sins. Everyone else's, sure. But yours? No way. Asshole."

After a while, I just got tired of watching Jesus get his ass kicked.

After a while, I found myself saying, "Can't we just get this scourging shit over with and hang the guy up already? All this fancy-pantsing around is really getting rather boring."

After a while, I found myself saying, "Okay, Romans, we get it. You're mad and you're not going to take it anymore. You hate Jesus. But if you kick him in the face one more time, he might not actually make it up the hill for the main attraction, so I suggest calming down a little bit. Just a little? A smidge? A tad? No? Damn."

After a while, I found myself saying, "JUST FUCKING DIE ALREADY, JESUS. OKAY? JUST FUCKING DIE."

I did think it was funny that Pilate was portrayed as such a nice guy, all tears in the eyes and looking to his hot wife for comfort while he is forced by the evil Jews in the fantastic hats to sentence poor Jesus to death by hanging on a stick.

Yeah, because Pilate was really such a nice guy. Right. For someone so concerned with "historical accuracy" that he would make an entire film in Aramaic (and Latin), Mel Gibson sure ignored the part where Pilate was actually a bloodthirsty bastard that regularly had guys hung up on sticks and stuff.

But whatever.

So, I turned the movie off at the point where we reach the summit of the Place of the Skull, because I just couldn't be bothered anymore. I'm sure the end part where Jesus dies was very touching and that I would be moved to tears by Jesus' plight and then uplifted when I realized that he suffered through all that bullshit so that I could continue to be a rat bastard in life and still make it through to check him out while he's lounging at the right hand of his father (if I said I was sorry, of course!) so that we could, together, sing a duet of a popular Mr. Mister song and whatever, but seriously, Mel. You're gonna have to try harder next time.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose, or, What Not To Do if Your Kid Might Be Possessed by a Satan

A FAR more entertaining movie is the one I just finished watching, entitled The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I laughed, I cried (because of laughing) and then I laughed some more! Especially the part where all the cats attack the priest 'cos the demon told them to, and during the ensuing brouhaha, the demon makes Emily chuck herself out of a window. Now that is what I call entertainment.

It was also far more educational than The Passion of the Dude in the Bloody Loincloth. Here are some things I learned from this fine feature film:

1.) If your kid has epileptic fits, she might be possessed by a Satan!

2.) If your kid exhibits all of the classic symptoms of schizophrenia, she might be possessed by a Satan!

3.) If your local parish priest tells your kid to stop taking her seizure medicine, it's probably a good idea, because priests are just as good as doctors, and also, she might be possessed by a Satan!

4.) If your kid stops eating, she might be possessed by a Satan!

5.) If your kid sees old ladies' faces melting off, she might be possessed by a Satan!

6.) If your kid speaks in tongues and claims to be a Satan, she might be possessed by a Satan!

7.) If you sign over your kid's care to a priest you've brought into your home and your kid dies, it's not your fault in any way at all and no one will blame you, because she might be possessed by a Satan and priests are supposed to be good with that sort of thing!

8.) If your kid dies from medical neglect/being possessed by a Satan, it will make for compelling courtroom drama!

So thank you, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, because without you, I might never have known all of that, or experienced the awesomeness of cats kicking a priest's ass while some crazy chick chucks herself out of a window.

And that's way better than watching Jesus get it from some dumb Romans in leather skirts.

Thus concludes Zombie's Movie Review Corner. I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.

Oh, and by the by, when I mentioned the next day, to my father, that I had watched The Passion of the Guy Getting His Most Holy Ass Kicked, Hosanna in the Highest but hadn't finished it, my father looked up from his can of beer and said, contemplatively, "Well, I guess we already know how it ends, anyway" and then went back to ignoring me.

Indeed, Dad. Indeed.

link | posted by Zombie at 7:13 PM |


Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:17 PM~  

That whole Emily Rose thing could easily be the next Law & Order. It just needs a snazzy title that can be reduced, like, y'know, L&O:SVU and L&O:CI can. Somehow, Law&Order: Posessed By Satan wouldn't quite work, because you know they'd just turn it into L&O:PBS, even though they shouldn't....

Blogger skippystalin commented at 11:39 PM~  

I'm actually writing a screenplay right now about Buddha getting his ass beaten at a gay pride parade. In the last 20 minutes, Buddha decides that he's taken enough shit and goes all Chuck Norris on their asses.

All I need to figure out is what Buddha would be doing at a Pride parade, what the homos would have against him and how I can get Tom Cruise involved. Otherwise, I think I've got the next Citizen Kane on my hands.

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