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Thursday, August 17, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday, With Special Guest El Bastardo

Nothing, nothing, tra la la.

1.) Hats

I hate hats.

Okay, technically, I like hats. It's the fact that I look like an idiot when I put one on that I hate.

I would like to be able to wear hats without vaguely resembling some drooling caveman reject. Like maybe the one that was driven from the village for being too weird or something and left to fight off the dinosaurs all alone and die a grisly death at the jaws of a raptor or something. Because we all know man walked with dinosaurs. Just ask Kent Hovind.

ANYWAY.

My head is either too oddly-shaped or just too big or some damned thing. I don't know. All I know is that when I see a hat and put it on, I immediately look about 50 IQ points dumber. I can't wear baseball caps (not that I would really want to, but still) because they make me look like a jug. My ears don't normally stick out, but put a fucking ballcap on me and I look like a jug. Great.

This is cause for hate, because I would like to don a large-brimmed hat, perhaps with a scarf, and swoop around like a black-and-white film star, all glamorous and fabulous and decidedly not stupid-looking.

It also means I can't realize my dream of being a revolutionary-type political assassin. Because I look like a moron in berets. And everyone knows you can't assassinate political despots without a beret.

It's just not done.

So, thanks a lot, hats. You've ruined my dreams.

I've decided I won't blame my head for this, because I already feel bad enough, and it's much nicer if I make it the fault of all hats in existence, rather than blame my head for being misshapen.

Zombie's Decidedly NOT Misshapen Head: 1

Every Single Hat in the World: FUCKING ZERO.

pwned!

*****

And now...

El Bastardo on the Stupidity of Cracker Politicians

Have you ever noticed - I mean, unless you are a Baptist - how most politicians, particularly from the South, are the dumbest, most racist motherfuckers on Earth?

Case in point: The illustrious George Allen, Senator from Virginia.

On a recent campaign stop on the Virginia/Kentucky border, he addressed a young man that was filming him for his opponent's campaign.

The young man, one S.R. Sidarth, is of Indian descent. Allen directly addresses him, with the camera fiming away, as "Macaca." Allen then goes on to say that he welcomes Sidarth to America and the "real world" of Virginia, and that the rest of the white supporters present should give him a hand.



Seems harmless, right?

Well, let's delve into this further, boys and girls.

S.R. Sidarth is a native, born-and-raised-all-his-life-in-Northern-Virginia American. With nary even an accent that would make you think of Apu from The Simpsons.

And his name is NOT "Macaca." What is "macaca"? Well, the animal encyclopedia says it is a genus of monkey found in Persia and Asia.

Macaca...also known as a macaque


The Urban Dictionary has some much more interesting definitions, though, like "A racial slur used against Arabs or dark-skinned people of North Africa, meaning monkey."

So, I ask, WHAT kind of fucking genius does it take to not only call someone that - someone that you know works for the other side - but to also say it to the guy's CAMERA??

Clearly, Mr. Allen has the intellectual capacity of chinchillas in an inbreeding program.

But, in all fairness to Mr. Allen, perhaps it was a mistake. So I checked into his past.

Let's see: In his high school yearbook picture, he wore a Confederate flag pin.

He is a former Governor of Virginia and in his office, he proudly displayed the Confederate flag, a lynching noose and various Confederate generals' portraits.

Oh and hey!! He gave the state the "Confederate History Month," which, of course, never mentioned slavery....

BUT HE IS NOT RACIST!!

Umm, yeah. By the way, George, your white sheets and hoods are ready to be picked up from the cleaners.

Oh, but Mr. Allen's chronic, racist stupidity does not stop with just him.

His staff has shown us all why cousins should never marry.

His tard people tried to find someone with a tan to say Sidarth was not singled out because he was the only non-white there.

His communications director basically came up with the excuse that Mr. Sidarth wears a mohawk (Actually, he has a mullet. See picture below.) and is always spewing caca...so, basically, what Senator Allen REALLY meant to say was...Sidarth is a shithead.

Obviously not a monkey. Not sure about the shithead part, though, since we don't know the guy.


So what we have here is that George Allen called Mr. Sidarth either a monkey, an Arab nigger, or a shithead.

But, you know, Mr. Allen is NOT racist.

Maybe we need to beat the shit out of the South again so they stop producing these extra-Y-chromosome, KKK, sheet-wearing dickheads.

Better yet, let us make the entire South into a theme park!! We can call it Deliverance Land.

"Come on down. Let your kids participate in a re-creation of an actual lynching!

Come ride the SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY! rollercoaster.

Or enjoy some authentic deep-fried cuisine at the Sho' Got a Pretty Mouth There, Boy restaurant."

Actually, let's just put a big fence around the entire area, and call it what it is: a captive inbreeding wildlife preserve.

I am not sure what was going on inside George Allen’s head, but I am betting that he wasn’t thinking about zoology.


*****

Thank you! Come again!


link | posted by Zombie at 11:52 AM |


7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 6:47 PM~  

John has a present for Asher. Ensure that Asher gets it please.

Anonymous mary commented at 2:03 PM~  

The drdino website makes my... brain...bleeeeed....der.

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 7:33 PM~  

Sure John. I will ensure that Asher gets the present from you.

It will be shredded nicely and wrapped in a neat box.

Cheers, fucker.

EB

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 7:46 PM~  

Oh and P.S. there, limey.


Take your Batshit Sockpuppet Theatre, and your multiple personalities and bugger off.


Get a clue, Sybil.

Love and Kisses,

EB

Blogger skippystalin commented at 7:47 PM~  

See, Arkle, you stupid fucking cunt, I'm not the boyfriend. Never was actually. You notwithstanding, Zombie seems to have developed a taste in men.

Of course, you won't believe me, but that's what referrers are for.

You went to war with me for nothing you dumb fuck.

Feel better?

Anonymous Anonymous commented at 7:53 PM~  

Yes John, that would be correct.

I am the one who puts a twinkle in her eye and a..well..you get the general idea.

So enough, you crazy pseudo-gay-english-trannie.

Move the fuck on.

Oh and have a nice day.

EB

Blogger skippystalin commented at 8:03 PM~  

It's raining men, Johnny!

Not as much fun as you would've thought it was supposed to be, huh?

Hallelujah!

Ve Haf Vays of Making You Post a Comment.