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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday, With Special Guest El Bastardo

Worship at your leisure.

1.) Medication commercials.

I hate commercials for medications.

I do not want to turn on my TV so I can watch "Dog the Bounty Hunter" for four hours straight while hanging my head over the side of the couch and drooling only to see a commercial for some random medication.

I hate the ancient vaginas rambling about how they don't let osteoporosis get them down. I don't give a shit about the tiny little fractures in your spine that were making you get short and bent-over and ugly. Who cares. Except you, I mean. I guess. Whatever.

I hate the smiling middle-aged woman telling me that her husband's erectile dysfunction no longer embarasses him because he talked to his doctor. Doesn't she know that her husband's impotence is supposed to cause him shame and embarassment? Doesn't she know that the fact he can't get it up on his own is supposed to drive him to drink and scream at her and tell her it's because she's old and fat and ugly and then knock her around of a Saturday night? DUH. She's not supposed to go on TV and announce that he was such a lamer that he actually admitted it and talked to his doctor about it and started taking a pill for it that may cause a four hour erection that will need immediate medical attention! That's crazy. Where have all the cowboys gone, indeed.

I hate the radiant and smiling young people frolicking in the ocean now that herpes isn't such a pain in the genitals anymore. I hate them smiling and telling me that it's still possible to spread herpes to others, even though they are taking the miracle medicine that maybe, possibly, can reduce outbreaks. Wait a minute, sounds like this medicine is pretty worthless to me. It might not reduce your outbreaks and you can still spread the herpes around...why fucking bother?

Oh, but what I hate the most is the list of side-effects all of these commercials give us at the end. Pharmaceutical companies must think we're all a bunch of idiots. Well, granted, most of us are. But still.

I saw an allergy medication commercial that listed some of the possible side-effects as being congestion, stuffy nose, coughing and sneezing. Uhm, hello? The side-effects are the same as the fucking allergies themselves. What's the point? Here, America! Here is a pill that will cure your allergy symptoms by giving you side-effects that are exactly like your allergy symptoms! Saddle up, hoss, 'cos this shit's expensive, too! Woo!

There is a commercial for a rheumatoid arthritis medication that lists "lymphoma" as a possible side-effect. LYMPHOMA. A SIDE-EFFECT FOR THIS ARTHRITIS MED IS FUCKING CANCER. Yes, rheumatoid arthritis sucks, but I think it's safe to say that we'd all much rather have the arthritis than the fucking cancer this medicine can give you. If anyone thinks cancer is the lesser of two evils, so they can try it out, I invite them over for a nice tumor in the brain, al dente, with a little chemotherapy on the side. Oh, and cole slaw. Mmm, cole slaw.

I also hate the lists of reasons why you can't take a certain medicine that are tacked onto these commercials, in such a soothing, nice tone of voice. "If you are a one-legged, one-eyed, gallbladder-less Pygmy from Darkest Borneo, This Dangerous Pill may not be right for you. Talk to your doctor before taking This Dangerous Pill. If you cannot afford This Dangerous Pill on your own - and really, what Pygmy with one leg, one eye, and no gallbladder from Darkest Borneo can afford it - Pfizer may be able to help offset the costs if you ask really nicely and promise us your first, second and third born children. Maybe. If we feel like it. Aren't we nice that we'll think about maybe, possibly cutting you some slack on the costs of This Dangerous Pill, especially when it might give you cancer? We are great."

I really fucking hate that shit. Shut up already. You're interrupting Dog and His Mullet Most Magnificent.

2.) Getting Smashed by a Mattress When There's No One Around to Save Your Dumb Ass.

I really hate it when I'm moving mattresses around, by myself, and by the time I get to the last one - after having moved two box springs and a mattress and a bunch of heavy boxes and stuff - my little arms lose their bones and somehow I get smashed against the wall by the mattress. And then my aforementioned little arms and my just-now-mentioned little legs flail around uselessly, but I am too tired and too weak to get the fucking thing off of me, so I make a small noise, like, "Help," but alas, there is no one around to save me.

So I stay that way for a few minutes and contemplate the meaning of life and where my good Tupperware has got off to and did I leave the gas on and how in blue fuck do I afford my rock and roll lifestyle, anyway? Thereby giving my poor abused little body time to summon up enough energy to slide out from underneath the stupid mattress and then kick it at least five times, to show it exactly who is moving whom around up in this here bizzotch.

And then I am vindicated, because even though I just got my ass whupped by bedding, at least I got in the last kick. SO THERE, SEALY POSTURPEDIC. PWNED.


And now, El Bastardo...

The Fuckwits at The Weather Channel Who Never Seem to Get It Fucking Right.


Seek shelter!


Run away!!

Ernesto is coming to eat your children and rape your wife!!

That may as well have been the on the marquee on The Weather Channel today.

Now, do not get me wrong: There are times when I will just sit and watch The Weather Channel.

With its quasi-therapeutic elevator music and the odd engimas that seem to pervade it, like...

"Where do they get that music from?"

"Do any of the weather people there have "Doppler" for their vanity plates?"

"And why the hell is EVERY weather chick on there pregnant?"

Things like that.

But then, sometimes, especially this time of year, we get an interruption of the calming voices from TWC.




For example, take the latest named storm, Ernesto.

First, it was "the killer 'cane that will wipe out those commie fucks in Cuba!"

Then, it was "the storm that will ravage, rape and pillage an already-beaten-up Florida."

Now, it is "the fucking rainstorm that will now hit me and probably knock out the shitty power lines we have around here."

In other words, just a nuisance.

After Katrina, Wilma, Rita and the other uber-damaging storms, the fuckwits at The Weather Channel (who, by the way, NEVER get it right) are actually UPSET that this storm is not the killer that they thought it may be.

Turns out, it's just a big fucking rainstorm with some wind.

Hell, my girlfriend blows better than this storm.

Anyway, one cannot lay all the blame on the dimwits at TWC.

No, they get their predictions from the moronic Dr. Bill Gray.

Who, by the way, has NEVER gotten any of his predictions right!!

For those of you who do not know Dr. Gray, this is the same uber-genius who not only fucks up weather predictions, but is one of but a handufl of idiots who claim global warming does not exist.

Yes, so The Weather Channel depends on a prognosticator that is the intellectual equivalent of "Do not pay any attention to the man behind the curtain!!" Even my elementary school-aged child knows that global warming is real.

You know, maybe they may get the occasional natural disaster prediction right if, oh, say...they actually studied REAL science! What the fuck is a 'climatologist,' anyway? To me, that sounds like something you get when you cross a rock climber with a hair dresser.

Or better still, maybe they would get some predictons right if they would STOP FUCKING AND KNOCKING THEIR CO-WORKERS UP!!

Regardless of the fact that these people never seem to get it right, I still enjoy watching The Weather Channel. Not just for the crappy music and bad weather predictions. No. They remind me that, in America, you can be a TOTAL fuckup and never get it right, but still make a living at it!!

Oh, and you can be president, too.

*tosses his soapbox at Ernesto*


Morons That Feel Sympathy for People That Do Something Stupid to Themselves.

Fuck, like, "That guy killed himself because he was addicted to sniffing glue. Isn't it sad?"

"Umm, are you kidding me?"


"Umm, how is it sad some moron offed himself because he was already frying his brain with glue fumes? His choice. Cleaning up the gene pool."

"You are just cruel."

"How is not feeling sorry for people who do STUPID fucking things to themselves and end up paying the price cruel? Do tell."



Look, boys and girls. One should give empathy and sympathy when it is clearly due. Example: People who suffer a tragedy they had no control over.

Any time I hear some moron comparing the idiot antics of a brain-dead fuckwit who decided to jump over 54 cars with his Bigwheel and now drools all over himself and shits in a baggie, to, say, the thousands of people that died during the tsunami, I feel like I want to pull his heart out and show it to him.

I can you compare the two?!?

Are you that fucking inbred?!

Oh right, some redneck that snorted paint fumes and now has the intellectual capacity of a brick is just as tragic as, say, the lone survivor of the WV mine tragedy?

Come on, people. Reach in the bag and get a clue!!

You CANNOT compare the two.

It is easy: these geniuses knew the RISKS when they decided to do the stupid shit they did. So, knowing that, if they paid the price, fuck them.

They do not deserve our empathy or our sympathy.

They deserve to be dead, brain-damaged or sterile.

Christ, people have a warped sense of reality sometimes.


The well just never runs dry, my friends. It never runs dry.

link | posted by Zombie at 7:05 PM |


Blogger Judy commented at 8:32 PM~  

I'm partial to the Tylonol commercial where the CEO says...
(Roughly translated)
We have dosage recommendations on each bottle. If you are to stupid to read them, and take 20 every 4 hours while drinking on and empty stomach, I'd rather you didn't take it at all...

God I love that commercial.

Anonymous tokenblogger commented at 4:34 PM~  

I've been thinking...You know those ads that include the line that the drug company can help you get your medication...they've been doing that for like 20 years. I've even been on the receiving end of that policy. I got two very expensive drugs for freefor 2 or 3 ten years ago. It was then that I found out that several companies have had these programs for about 10 years, but nobody knew. And doctors didn't even pass the info on. Now the companies advertise the "give away." I gotta wonder why. Actually, I think I know why...all the new prescription drug benefits coming about...they'll have less people eligible, so they'll actually be saving money.

Blogger skippystalin commented at 10:26 PM~  


Didn't I tell you that the Big Pharmaceurtical companties were trying to destroy my fun? And your goddamn government doesn't even trust you with codiene.

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