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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Will All Mothers Please Die in a Fire? Please?*

*Okay, not all mothers, since I am a mother and I don't have a particular yen to burn to death today. But the rest of you? Oh, you.

I was just reading the illustrious Skippy's blog. It should come as no surprise that he is again talking about breasts. Often, when reading one of Skippy's many, many posts about breasts, my eyes glaze over, because I don't really care about breasts all that much.

But today! Today's topic is very interesting to me, as it pertains to fuckwittery and I am always keen on hearing about what new stupid thing my fellow humans have come up with, said or done.

Today's specific fuckwittery is this.



"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.


The cover? Well. You may want turn your eyes away, as the depths of debauchery I am about to show you are almost beyond comprehension. If you are weak of stomach or moral fiber, you may not be able to handle the image I am about to bring you. But in the interests of fair reporting and science or whatever-the-fuck, I will show it to you. I am not afraid.



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I know! The HORROR!



Babytalk is a free magazine whose readership is overwhelmingly mothers of babies. Yet in a poll of more than 4,000 readers, a quarter of responses to the cover were negative, calling the photo — a baby and part of a woman's breast, in profile — inappropriate.


Hmm. Mothers of babies find this photo inappropriate. Why could that be, I wonder?



One mother who didn't like the cover explains she was concerned about her 13-year-old son seeing it.

"I shredded it," said Gayle Ash, of Belton, Texas, in a telephone interview. "A breast is a breast — it's a sexual thing. He didn't need to see that."


Oh, I see. Because breastfeeding is sexy.

Sure it is.

Look, I have two kids, as you may or may not know. I also breastfed both of those kids. Since my kids aren't that far apart in age, this means I ended up breastfeeding for nigh on 4 years straight.

And that means I have a little experience in the matter, and I can tell you this flat-out: breastfeeding is NOT sexy. At its best, breastfeeding a baby is a vague relief, since manufacturing enough milk to feed a ham-like garbage disposal can create a large amount of pressure in your breasts and feeding aforementioned ham relieves some of that pressure. At worst, it's FUCKING PAINFUL.

The middle ground is that it's mildly annoying, sometimes degrading (and not in a good way - the good way being a sexual way), messy and slightly inconvenient.

Yet I did it for almost 4 years. You may wonder why I did it for 4 years. Well, I'll tell you.

It's cheap.

In fact, it's not even cheap. It's FREE.

Have you seen the prices of formula? Ho-lee shit. Expensive.

Sure, I put up with 4 years of having a ham hanging from my tit. I put up with the sore nipples and the pain of being used as, alternatingly, a teething ring and a pacifier. I put up with the grand indignities that are breast pumps (for serious, using an electric breast pump is like attaching yourself to a Hoover and has always put me in mind of rows and rows of cows in stalls, attached to those milking machines, mooing away in bovine resignation - I now know the pain that a milk cow suffers on a daily basis. Bessie, I salute you.) and I endured waking up in a sopping puddle in the middle of the night because the baby slept past his feeding time and my lactating tits would just not be contained a moment longer. I lived through 4 years of being looked at as nothing more than an all-you-can-eat buffet for an infant and stains on my shirts and the pain, pain, pain. Oh yes I did.

Because it was free! A deal is a deal, and I am the cheapest motherfucker alive. I love me some free stuff like a fat kid love cake. Boy howdy.

Okay, okay, I breastfed for other reasons, too: it's healthier for the baby, it's healthy for the mother, it's natural and all that stuff, you don't have to worry about sterilizing bottles or warming them up or scalding the baby's mouth because the formula was microwaved too long, formula-fed babies smell kinda funny, blah blah.

My kids have crazy-strong immune systems and rarely get sick. In fact, my son has only had one earache in his life, and that he didn't even get til he was five years old. My daughter has never been even remotely seriously ill. Because breastfeeding is good for kids. It's healthy and it's natural. Do you think women 200 years ago were running around warming up Carnation Instant Breakfast for Rugrats? No, they were not. Because breastfeeding is one of the things a boob was designed to do, and it's pretty good at it. It's good for kids.

I still like to think my milk has special healing powers, though, anyway, because it makes me feel like a superhero of some sort, able to dispense a life-giving, healing elixir, armed with nothing more than my Grade-A, USDA-Fuckin'-Approved, E Cup rack.

I rule.

And I am also a little off topic.

Back to the issue at hand.

You might notice that nothing in the pros or cons I just listed about breastfeeding mention sex.

This is because breastfeeding has nothing to do with sex.

Yes, I am aware that there are some people with fetishes for lactating women, but there are also some people with fetishes for barnyard animals, tires, Saran Wrap, stuffed animals and Pamela Anderson. But just because there's someone out there that can make something patently not-sexy into a prized fantasy doesn't make it actually sexy. That's just the way the world works.

How many people really look at the cover of that magazine and think "WHOA! PORN!"? I look at the cover of that magazine and see a child eating.

It would be a lie if I were to say I was surprised by this article or any of the sentiments expressed therein, though.

During my days as an Ambulatory Continental Breakfast, I sometimes found myself in a situation that required feeding one of my babies out in public.

I remember a specific instance most clearly. We were at the park and my son wanted to eat. Not one to (often) deny a child such a basic necessity as food, I took him over to an unpopulated area of the park, sat under a tree, positioned a blanket over us so that nothing scary would show, and proceeded to give my son his lunch.

A woman made a beeline for me.

"Don't you think you should do that somewhere else?" she hissed between her teeth.

"Like where?" I asked.

"The bathroom!" she said, jerking her head in the direction of the restrooms.

I looked over to the restrooms. Public restrooms in a public park aren't really known for their sanitary properties and these were no exception.

"Okay!" I said, cheerfully. "You go grab your lunch and I'll meet you there in five minutes!"

"What?" said the woman, horrified. "I wouldn't eat in there!"

"Then why do you want me to make my son eat in there?" I asked, eyes wide.

"I just think you're disgusting, that's all!" she said, turning and walking away.

"That's okay!" I called after her. "You make me feel a little queasy, too! Have a nice day now!"

The point of all this screaming is that people are stupid, and mothers can be especially retarded.

I find it funny that the headline that goes with this image is "Why Women Don't Nurse Longer." Could one of the reasons be that women that breastfeed are often made to feel like they're doing something wrong or gross? Could one of the reasons be that we're such a weird Puritanical society here in America that we automatically equate a breast - even one with a ham attached to it - with sex, and therefore, breastfeeding women might feel as if they are doing something dirty? Could one of the reasons be that other mothers are most likely to make said women feel that way? Gee, I dunno.

I would expect a mother that is subscribing to a baby magazine to understand that the breast depicted in this cover photograph has nothing at all to do with fucking and everything to do with feeding a baby.

If your 13-year-old son happens to look at it and get a cheap thrill, so fucking what? I bet he's also gawking at those topless saggy-breasted women in Third World countries that they so often show in National Geographic. I bet your 13-year-old son is also getting his jollies by staring at your Victoria's Secret catalog, any and every clothed woman he encounters, both in print and in person, and your Sunday paper's Sears sale flyer. Are you going to shred National Geographic, the Sears flyer, all of your catalogs and also attempt to maul everything female that your son may or may not come into contact with, after which you will then go make whining comments to some less-than-stellar news reporting agency? Please.

Get your damned head out of your ass. Or you can keep it in there, because like most things in life, if you don't want to see it, you don't have to look. And with your cranium lodged firmly in your anal cavity like so, you won't have to see much of anything at all.

You're welcome.


link | posted by Zombie at 6:51 PM |


3 Comments:

Anonymous Hunter commented at 8:34 PM~  

If I wasn't being told that was a breast, I'd think it might be a portion of someone's arm, or some other portion of some body, like a...gently pregnant abdomen, or something. All this, mostly, because I've been exposed to some deceptive things on the internets.

Really, though, this picture shows less tit than you see on a daily basis in WalMart...or the VS Summer Saleapaloozafest Part 7 Phonebook of Doom....

There are pigs fighting on my TV now.

Anonymous cynlee commented at 7:19 AM~  

This idiocy is everywhere---look what we had to do in Kentucky!

Blog entry: Friday, March 31st, 2006

12:01 pm - It was signed by our governor
In a private ceremony by invitation only (and I was invited) Governor Fletcher signed this bill into law. Why do I care? "cuz I helped." And I can only wunder at what Skippy will have to say...

SB 106, An Act Relating to Breastfeeding Bill:

“Create a new section of KRS Chapter 211 to permit a mother to breastfeed her baby or express breastmilk in any location, public or private; require that breastfeeding may not be considered an act of public indecency, indecent exposure, sexual conduct, lewd touching, or obscenity; prohibit a municipality from enacting an ordinance that prohibits or restricts breastfeeding in a public or private location; exclude breastfeeding from the definition of indecent exposure, sexual conduct, lewd touching, obscenity, and similar terms; prohibit interference with a mother breastfeeding her child in any public or private location.”

Anonymous mary commented at 3:22 PM~  

I predict in a mere three to five years, this country will stop using electricity, all women will be required to wear woolen dresses with metal chastity bras to contain their evil milk bags, and biology will be replaced with jesus revivals.

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