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Thursday, September 28, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday

Are you loathesome tonight?

*****

1.) Humans That Come Into Contact With My Children.

Earlier, I was sitting here at the computar machiene while the kids ate their dinner. They had asked for pot pies and I won't eat those things, so I let them eat on their own tonight. I was listening to music, fairly loud. Opeth, if you must know.

The kids go, "MOM MOM MOM MOM MOM!"

"What?!" I ask, and turn the tunes down.

"Do you believe in god?" they ask, in unison.

Er, what? Did they just...WHAT?

"No," I said. "Where did you hear that word?!"

"At school," says my son.

"Me, too," says my daughter.

Well, shit.

"No," I tell them. "I do not believe in god."

"I do!" chirps my daughter.

"WHAT?"

"Me, too," says my son.

"Do you even know what god is?" I ask. I am getting more and more alarmed by the minute.

"He lives in the sky!" says my daughter.

"He makes people!" says my son.

"He most certainly does NOT!" I say, incensed. I wave my arms. The kids look puzzled.

Cripes!

This went on for a little while and by the time we were done, I wanted to bash my face against the wall repeatedly.

I finally got them to stop it by saying that other people are more than welcome to believe whatever they want, but in our house, until they are of an age that they may make their own decisions about such, we do not have anything to do with god or any other religious trappings. Mostly because my functioning brain won't allow it and the very idea makes me itchy. And we all know how I feel about the itchy.

Now. Okay. I have had time to breathe since this exchange. Sure, I was shocked and appalled and dismayed and I don't think I could've been more upset even if my 4 year old daughter had come home announcing that she's pregnant to an imprisoned Samoan lesbian and getting married next week and also addicted to crack.

You see, I have taken great care not to expose my children to anyone's religion or my lack thereof. While I may occasionally shout "Jesus Jumped-Up Christ!" when I bang my elbow on the corner of the desk, that's about all the farther I've gone in the god department.

But my kids have apparently been exposed to this elsewhere and this upsets me. I am not raising any budding Jesus-freaks here. I do not want to have them coming home and chirping about how "god makes people."

Why? Because it's nonsense. Kids have an active enough fantasy life without throwing in some adult's idea of a good time on top of it. If my kids want to jabber about imaginary cosmic thingies in the sky, they can talk about goddamned purple flying monkey unicorns.

I had planned on not bringing up the subject of my atheism until they were a lot older. I, perhaps naively, thought that we could get away with not talking about it until they were old enough to understand. And when they were old enough to understand, I figured they could make their own decisions about it. And if they chose atheism (which is just and good and right AND WTF YOU IDIOTS STAY AWAY FROM MY CHILDREN), then that would be fine and dandy. And if they chose to go the theist route (oh, it burns and burns), well, then that would also be fine and dandy. Unless they decided to go Mormon or Jehovah's Witness or Wiccan, in which case I would promptly disown them and spit at them if I saw them on the street. Contrary to popular opinion, a mother's love is NOT unconditional.

But no, apparently this will not happen. The best laid plans and all of that. My kids have been exposed to whatever cack-handed jabber their schoolmates and other people have been spouting and now I find myself having to explain that I lack belief in deities and also explain that they, too, lack belief in deities because they don't know what the hell they are on about. They are atheist by default, because they don't freaking know what "god" is.

While I realize that this was inevitable, I just wasn't prepared for it, I confess. I found myself suppressing the near overwhelming urge to run around the house, waving my arms around while screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOO. GET THEE BEHIND ME, CHRISTIANS!" or something along those lines, after which I would promptly take a bath in Clorox to get it off me.

CRIPES.

So, listen up, People That Have Been Oozing the Religious Yippety-Yap All Over My Kids: fucking knock it off! I can't explain logical fallacies to a 6 year old and a 4 year old! They barely understand me when I tell them that certain TV shows aren't always just on when we want them to be, there's something called programming and time-slots and time-zones and stuff. How can I explain that invisble cosmic sky daddies did not, in fact, "make people"? I can't sit down with them and explain Pascal's Wager and Paley's Watchmaker and why none of it makes any damned practical, logical, REASONABLE sense to people that do not regularly suspend disbelief and roll out the bathmat to praise fucking Allah 900 times a day or go to Mass or tithe to the fucking church or wear a dumb beanie hat. BECAUSE JUST SHUT UP AND GO AWAY.

Maybe I should sit them down for a little heart to heart and explain that if they want to be religious right now, they can become Pastafarians and preach the Good News of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to all and sundry. Because, as we all know, in the beginning, he created a mountain, some trees and a midget.

Some days, my impending sense of doom just goes into overdrive. This is one of those days.

PS - However, if there is a hell, I am probably going there:

The Creep says:
Man. Time 2 of the My Little Ponies DVD.

Zombie says:
Man.

The Creep says:
Fucking Unicornia.

Zombie says:
Hehe.

The Creep says:
Did you know that there was a "special princess twirl"?

Zombie says:
I had no idea.

The Creep says:
Well, now that I know, I can teach it to you.

Zombie says:
Excellent! I always wanted to be a special princess, but I wasn't fortunate enough to be born with the Down's Syndrome. You make all my dreams come true.

The Creep says:
lmao

I'm sorry, Corky. Sometimes these things just come out of my mouth and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm sure you understand.

*****

No hate from EB tonight, due to extenuating circumstances that require he retreat to his Fortress of Bastarditude. Stay tuned for bile from him at a later date. Same Bastard time, same Bastard channel.

*****

But oh...what is this?



Oh yeah, baby.


link | posted by Zombie at 8:01 PM |


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