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Monday, October 09, 2006

Put On Your Stompin' Boots, Kiddies: It's Clusterfuck Time!

My son came home with this...flyer...today. Now, you all might have noticed EB and me (EB and me, har, that rhymes, I'm so poetical-like) complaining about our kids getting exposed to religious shit that we don't approve of. And we don't approve of any religious shit, so just GET AWAY FROM OUR KIDS YOU OBNOXIOUS PACK OF CUNTS AHHHH I CAN'T STAND IT. AHHHHH. Ahhh. Ahh. Eh.

Err. Sorry. Outburst.

Today was my son's day to come home with a notice about Bible study.

Exhibit A:

It'll be GOOD NEWS when this shit GOES AWAY.


Now, this is annoying on so many levels.

First, I don't want my kid coming home from PUBLIC SCHOOL with a FLYER ABOUT BIBLE CLASS.

Second, the grammar in this is atrocious, and we all know how that makes me rend my garments and gnash my teeth Old Testament style, don't we?

And, honestly, what's with the little traffic sign graphic with the running children? Why are they running? Because the Bible is scary? Run, children, run, or the angel rapers will catch you! God will send out a pack of bears to eat you for making fun of a bald man! WATCH OUT! FLEE WITH A QUICKNESS!

Ahem.

Exhibit B:

Target practice!


Now what I like about this bit here are the graphics at the bottom. We have a clip art Bible, which, okay, that's nothing special. That's to be expected. But the second graphic is so very compelling.

If you look closely, you'll notice that on the second image, superimposed over the obligatory flag-motif outline of the Good Ol' U. S. of A, we have a church building. And superimposed over the church building, we have what appears to be a...target? Like for shooting?

A target for shooting.

Right.

Uh...what's up with that?

What exactly are they trying to say here? What did the artist mean? That these people feel persecuted? That you are free to take potshots at their Bible class and they'll make it easy for you by painting a big ol' bullseye on the front of the building? What? WHAT? I must have answers. I must know why.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, I'm not going to be sending my son to Bible class, despite the fact that target-shooting appears to be involved. While I'm all for very young kids having access to the shooting range, I'm not sure I want him to mix his religious non-education up with his future mercenary work. I can't have him getting all love-thy-neighbor and full of moral qualms when it comes to disposing of unnecessary people for fun and profit, now can I? That just wouldn't do. I need him to be ruthless, immoral, and evil, so he can bring home the bacon in the profession I have chosen for him.

Hmm.

Wait.

On second thought... maybe I should send him to Bible class. Maybe it will prepare him for his future mercenary work. After all, religious folk do seem to have the monopoly on not feeling bad when ridding the Earth of people they deem unnecessary (see: Kurds, the and Jews, the for more information on unnecessary people).

Hmm. Now I'm having a crisis of non-faith. Shit!

In other news, my daughter is apparently the world's first 4 year old lesbian Jesus-freak.

In the car the other day, she announced, "Jesus made everything!"

"NO, HE DID NOT!" I announced right back. Again with the wanting to rend the garments Old Testament style.

"Yes, he did! My girlfriend told me!"

"Your...what? Huh?"

"My girlfriend."

So she has a girlfriend. Okay...

Later on that day, she informed EB that her girlfriend kisses her.

Like, wow.

I'm so traumatized by this. I mean...how can I have a child that is that way? What did I do to deserve this punishment? Where did I go wrong as a parent? I mean, is she crazy? She cannot possibly turn out to be...a...a...oh, I can hardly bear to say the word...a...Christian.

It's ridiculous, I tell you! I don't care what you say, either! It's an abomination and unnatural! People aren't born that way! They choose to be that way! So she better unchoose quick, or I'ma have to get all medieval on her ass.

Iron maiden, here we come. RUN TO THE HIIIILLLLLLSSSSS. Anyone have a spare rack lying around that I can borrow for the weekend? I promise to disinfect!

Sigh.


link | posted by Zombie at 6:27 PM |


4 Comments:

Anonymous token commented at 3:47 AM~  

OMG! Did you change schools when you moved? You have to move again. Did you send this to the paper? Your congressman? Anyone?

This has to stop. Yes, I am a jew. Yes, I believe in God. No, I don't agree with the way they are attempting to shove this down your children's throats.

I am all for the separation of church and state. This is blatant, Zombs. ACT NOW! Before this goes any further.

Blogger Ralph Nadir commented at 5:38 AM~  

Ok...I wonder who gave Boy Zombie the invitation...was it a teacher, a fellow student? If it was a teacher, than that is a big problem, I believe...

As for the simple fact of the bible group meeting on school property, well, that is currently perfectly kosher...provided that any other kind of religious/political/social group whose activities are not in and of themselves illegal are also allowed to meet on school grounds. Equal access is the law of the land, and not likely to change anytime soon...so, if you really want to do something, put in an application for your own little Atheist club on school grounds. If they say no, bring in the ACLU, American's United, and whatever other group will listen to you, and let heads roll.

Blogger Ford commented at 8:19 AM~  

How appropriate is it that religious (Christian) problems in my own life have inspired a new Lil' Zombie project. :D

I know. I still haven't finished the last Lil' Zombie project. but this one is less ambitious in scale.

My tentative title is "The Lil' Zombie Big Book Of Sin". Here's a sample:

"Thou Shalt Not Kill
Is What Christians Say
Unless They Have Oil
And Then It's OK."

Anonymous Hunter commented at 7:41 PM~  

See, now, this is why I've always recommended giving children the unwanted-kitten treatment [burlap bag, a few rocks, a high bridge and a deep river] and getting a puppy, bird or scorpion instead. They all have human-child qualities, but they'll never come home from whatever pet-playgroup/school you send them to telling you that Jesus made everything.

Well, okay, the bird might, but a day on top of the woodstove will cure that little problem....

Since you're probably not going to get rid of the kids...I'd recommend giving them a good case of that Ebola you keep getting and sending them off to the...whatever it is. Or something. The ACLU thing is probably a much better suggestion, but I just got this funny, funny mental image of a bunch of little-little kids coming down with a strange new happy-syphilis, or something just as 'not-childhood-illnessey'....

I shut up now.

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