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Thursday, December 14, 2006

Things Zombie Hates Thursday

I said, boy, you are my Fifth Avenue.


1.) Standing in Line to Mail Things.

Went to the UPS Store to mail off Festivus packages to EB and my family today. I stood in line for, I shit you not, an hour and a half.

I have long held the belief that over half of America is retarded and this just reinforced my ideas.

There were only two people in line ahead of me and I stood in line for an hour and a half. Apparently, the combined idiocy of the cashier chick and the customers caused a disturbance in the Force, which, in turn, caused the very fabric of society to rip apart and collapse all over the linoleum.

Or that's what it felt like, at least.

Yes, Old Lady in Line Ahead of Me, thanks for bringing a shopping bag full of plastic trinkets and other useless items for the cashier chick to pack up for you. This entails wrapping each piece of junk up individually in bubblewrap, then choosing a box that's entirely too large for said junk, and filling the extra space up - scoop by tiny, tiny scoop - with packing peanuts. So the junk can swim around unmolested, I guess.

I suppose I should take heart in the fact that the flimsy plastic motorcycle will arrive undamaged to its destination, borne aloft by an excess of styrofoam peanuts and air-filled plastic, but I just can't.


2.) The Time Limit on Doing Good Deeds.

I ordered my daughter a dollhouse online, from Toys R Us, for Giftmas. It came with a bonus set of furniture, and I used the Google checkout, which gave me ten dollars off of the total. All in all, a very good deal.

I had it shipped to a friend's house so Mimi would not see it.

The friend told me it had arrived a couple of weeks ago - two big boxes. I thought that was weird, but figured the bonus furniture was in the second box and promptly forgot about it.

Until last night, when I got curious, and called the friend to ask if he would open up the second box, just to see what was in there.

Lo and behold, it was a second dollhouse! Toys R Us screwed up and sent me two of them for the price of one.

I doublechecked my bank statement to make sure they hadn't charged me for both of them and then immediately decided what to do with the second house.

I figured I would donate it to Toys for Tots. How awesome, I thought, would it be for a little girl that might not otherwise get a present to wake up to such a rockin' dollhouse on Christmas morning? After all, the house had pretty much fallen out of the sky as it was, so I might as well rain it down on someone else that needed it.

Then I thought, "Crap, what if Toys R Us figures out it fucked up three months from now and charges me for it?"

So, this morning, I called the Toys R Us customer service line and explained my predicament. I would like to donate this house, I said, but I couldn't afford to pay for it, and if they would prefer me to send it back, they'd need to send me a shipping label.

The customer service girl checked my order to make sure I had really only ordered one and then gave me the green light to put it in a donation box.


I was really pleased with this, for obvious reasons. So I called my friend to give me a ride to mail things at UPS and bring along the house so we could find a box to drop it off in.

After waiting for ages in the UPS line, I was feeling a little haggard, but hey! I'm going to do a good deed here pretty quick, so that's fine. I can deal with haggard.

Then we moseyed over to the nearest Mart of Wal and I lugged the dollhouse inside. I spent five minutes explaining to the Senile Greeter at the door what I was trying to do. She had to debate seriously over whether or not she needed to put a sticker on the house, to make sure no one thought I was trying to steal it. I tapped my foot, and my arms hurt from holding the heavy box, but I tried to remain patient.

She finally decided I didn't need a sticker and let me loose. I went over to the customer service area and...the Toys for Tots donation box was gone!

I flagged down a manager. "Where is the Toys for Tots box? I want to put this house in it. Please."

" was right here a minute ago."

"Okay," I sighed. "Where is it now?"

"I don't know. Let me find out."

Ten minutes later, after much jabbering on walkie-talkies, it was decided that the Toys for Tots people had removed the box. Yesterday. Dammit.

I lugged the house back outside to the waiting car. "DAMNED CHARITIES ENDING THEIR DAMNED TOY DRIVES!" I hollered through the open car window. I hate it when I am trying to do a nice thing but I am foiled by charity people ending their charity drives before it is convenient for me. Everyone should do everything at my convenience, godfuckit all anyhow.

We tried several other stores, but all of the Toys for Tots boxes were gone, gone, gone.

I was disheartened. The extra house has gone back to my friend's house until I can figure out a proper place to give it away. I am thinking Salvation Army, maybe? The YMCA? A local church? Those places generally adopt families at Christmas, right? I will start calling around and trying to find a good home for it tomorrow.

Or maybe I will just wrap it up and leave it on the porch of the sad little girl across the street that plays with my kids sometimes. She might be a little too old for it, though. I don't know.

Anyone have any ideas?

3.) Having a Daughter That Gets Into EVERY-DAMNED-THING.

I picked up this little tub of shea butter scented with almond oil for my mother, who likes such things, for Giftmas. It smelled so delicious, I picked up another one, in case I had to give an emergency present to someone that dropped off a million dollars on my front porch and SHIT, I don't have anything for YOU.

Hey, it could happen.

Anyway, so I packed up my family's gifts last night and got them mailed off today, as mentioned before.

Unfortunately, earlier this evening, I discovered that my daughter had gotten her paws on the other tub of shea butter and scooped a bunch out before putting it back in its decorative little box.

I don't know when she did that. And being the dumbass that I am, I did not think to open my mom's little box before wrapping it, to see if everything was kosher.

So it is quite possible that Mimi also stuck her mitts in my mom's Christmas present without my knowledge, and I wrapped it up and shipped it off.

Sadly, I had to call my mother once I realized this and explain the situation. I did not want to wait and hope it was fine when it got there. If it wasn't fine, my mother might assume that I had grabbed some random, half-used bath item from my medicine cabinent, wrapped it up and called it a day.

So thanks for ruining Christmas completely, Meredith. Thanks a lot!

I also hold her responsible for the atrocities in Darfur. And possibly Cambodia, now that I think about it.

Busy little thing that she is.



link | posted by Zombie at 10:08 PM |


Anonymous Hunter commented at 7:05 PM~  

The standing in line doesn't suck nearly as much as the waiting for it to show up. Really. Believe me. I know. Because I haven't stood in line to ship anything this year, but I'm waiting on an awful lot.

The toy donation thing kinda reminded me that I totally forgot to get a picture of the Toys for Tots thing that had a pile plush stuff and useless girly crap in it, and one of those little translucent red lighters on top.

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