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Saturday, December 09, 2006

Things Zombie Hates...Uhm...Saturday

See, I didn't do the Hate on Thursday because a friend was so kind as to loan me the 5th season of 24 on DVD, so I've been jumping around the living room and screaming at the TV while watching that.

It's important, you understand. I am a rabid 24 fanatic, but will only watch it on DVD now. It's a trend my old roommate started, as I hadn't seen the show before and he gave me Season 2 on DVD once and I watched it all and LO, I LOVED IT. So then I watched the 1st season, and got back on track watching seasons in order after that - but only on DVD, for I am slow.

I've now completed my viewing of Season 5 and I realize that it is in time to start watching Season 6 on the TeeVee, but I am not sure if I will do that.

This is because I hate commercials. And I don't like the idea of having to wait a week - or more, if they go on hiatus - between episodes. My head might explode. Head explodey!

I like having the option of watching 7 episodes in a row if I need to, because I must know what's happening. I must know immediately. I am an instant-gratification kind of girl like that.

It's a great dilemma. What should I do? Should I try to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous commercials and long-ass waits in between episodes? Or should I sit tight and wait for the DVD so I may once again do my customary watch-it-all-at-once thingie?

I don't know. What would Jack Bauer do?

Besides shoot someone or hijack a helicopter with the President in it or save the American people from several large canisters of nerve gas, I mean.

Because, while I'm pretty sure I could shoot someone, I don't think I'm speedy enough for all those other things.

Nor am I ruggedly handsome enough.

Damn and blast!

Anyway, here's some hate:

1.) Retards That Made My New Coat.

I had this coat I bought last year - the first coat I've owned in somewhere around 5 years. Which is funny, because I live in the Great White North, but didn't have a coat, which meant I was continually freezing my baguettes off. Ha ha! I laugh in the face of your hypothermia! Frostbite means nothing to me!

But then I got a job where I had to look vaguely presentable and I thought my years-old, ratty black hoodie (also named Bob. Because I name everything Bob. I still have him, as he is my best good friend. Love you, Bob!) might not really make the cut.

So I got a lovely black wool peacoat on the cheap. And while I kept forgetting to wear it, because I wasn't used to having a damned coat, it was nice to have. It made me feel all grown up, like, "Look, Ma, I am capable of keeping myself sort of warm when it's snowing out! I am responsible, and, more importantly, fashion-forward."

Then I lost all that weight. And when it started to get snowy again, I dragged out that nice coat and, oh, it did not fit at all.

So I bought another new coat. Online, for I enjoy shopping in my pajamas. It is a nice black wool trenchcoat dealie, with a subtle herringbone pattern. And on sale! Mommy loves a bargain!

Anyway, the coat arrived. I was all happy. I like getting presents in the mail. I realize it's not really a present since I bought it for myself and knew it was coming, but please don't ruin my moment. Thank you.

I pulled it out of the box and put it on. Yay, it fits! Yay, it's an unheard-of small size for someone that's me! YAY YAY YAY...wha?

I tried to put my hands in the pockets because I needed to skulk around the living room with my shoulders hunched and my hands in my pocketses, to make sure the coat was truly appropriate for me, but...the pockets were halfway sewn shut!

This was very upsetting. What maniac sews the pockets on a coat halfway shut? What is the meaning of such a thing?

I still don't know, but I had to expend a bunch of energy wandering aimlessly around the house until I remembered where I put some of my scissors. Then I had to snip away at the shoddily-sewn seams that were preventing me from skulking properly.

It's a rule that you can't skulk about correctly unless your hands are in your pockets. Just so you know.

My pockets are now unobstructed and I am very much enjoying my new coat, but every time I put it on now, I hate a little hate for whatever idiot did that.

2.) When Wednesday Runs Away From Home.

I lost a day this week. I think it got tired of all my rules and tied a checkered handkerchief to a stick, put some cookies and pie in it, and ran away from home.

Or I'm just nuts. One of the two.

At any rate, I lost Wednesday. While I was busy jumping around the living room and shouting at Jack Bauer to hurry up and save the world, I heard garbage trucks outside.

"Why are the garbage trucks outside?" I thought to myself. "Don't they know it's only Tuesday, and therefore patently not Garbage Day?"

I sat and ruminated on how dumb garbagemen are until the truck was gone up the street. Then it occurred to me to peek out the window and I saw that everyone had their garbage cans - now empty - out on the curb.

"HAHA!" I thought. "Everyone is dumb!"

And then I realized that it was me that was dumb because it was actually Garbage Day.

Fortunately, we do not generate that much garbage, so it's not a big deal that I missed Garbage Day, but still. I hate when I have no idea what day it is.

3.) Teenagers That Want to Shovel the Walk.

I hate snow. But even more than I hate snow, I hate shoveling snow. All that work only to have more snow arrive and render it completely pointless.

Teenagers showed up on my porch, wanting to shovel the snow away.

"I don't have any cash on me," I said. "Go home."

Teenagers make me nervous, because I'm pretty sure they're all murderous bandits, bent on mayhem and destruction. They only want to shovel my sidewalk and get 5 bucks off of me so they can purchase automatic weapons and cocaine from that hippie up the street. But I'm not going to fund their drug habits!

I need to fund my own.

*****

Look who I found!

El Bastardo and Birthdays

People ask me, "EB, why do you hate birthdays?"

Now, let me clear the air here. I do not hate them. I just do not see the point in them.

I mean, if people want to celebrate that they were vomited forth from their mothers' over-stretched vaginas...whoopdefuckingdoo.

"Hey, congrats! Happy B-day!!"

Congrats? For what? What the fuck did you do? Nothing.

Face facts. A birthday is really a celebration of one thing and one thing only: your parents fucked.

That is right! Joyous celebration!

So, when people ask me why I make no big deal about my birthday, I simply tell them this:

"During your celebration of one more solar year on this rock, remember what you are really celebrating: your dad took his engorged, throbbing penis and rammed it into your mother's moist, quivering vagina. Hey, what kind of cake is that?"

Sometimes, people forget the obvious when they are drowning in a world of bullshit tradition and mediocrity.

But, fortunately for all you lucky people, I am here to remind you of the cold, hard facts.

Like you celebrating your father's penis.

You're welcome.


*****

Now we'll all have nightmares from being reminded that our parents fucked! Thanks, EB! Dick.

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link | posted by Zombie at 5:26 PM |


6 Comments:

Blogger Ralph Nadir commented at 5:47 AM~  

I also just watched season 5 of 24. It amazes me that they actually manage to make each season better than the one preceding it.

I only really have two questions about season 5 that I can't quite get past...how, exactly, did President Logan learn that Jack was still alive? And, since he knew that Jack was alive, he probably also knew that Jack was currently located about an hour's drive outside of LA, and therefore could probably fairly easily and quickly produce witnesses to prove there was no fucking way he could have been walking into that building at the time the doctored security camera footage indicated he was.

At first, I thought 'hey, maybe Logan actually did think Jack was dead, and was framing him cause he knew that dead people can't prove their innocence, but everyone would assume that Jack had, in fact, faked his death, cause, ya know, the videotape.' But I quickly dismissed that, as, in that case, why the hell would he also kill Michelle and Tony, and attempt to kill Chloe...

As for the problem of Jack being able to prove he was somewhere else at the time, that is probably easier...Logan might have assumed Jack had done what most people who had faked their death in order to avoid being killed by order of a President's top aide would do, and gone deep underground somewhere in Africa or South America, where it would have been highly unlikely that he could've done anything to prove his innocence until well after it mattered. Hiding out an hour's drive away from the place where pretty much everyone who knew you when you weren't supposed to be dead still live and work...well, probably not the brightest move Jack's ever made.

Anyways, I had to rant about that.

Oh, and we haven't had any snow here yet.

Blogger Zombie commented at 8:13 AM~  

That part bothered me, too. But I ignored it because everything else was so great. I did keep thinking they'd somehow explain how Logan knew he was alive, but they never got around to it.

At the end of Season 4, I thought Jack had gone to Mexico or something, so imagine my surprise when he's working on oil rigs in Mojave. Maybe he figured no one would notice him because no one would expect to see him, since he was supposed to be dead. Like he was able to walk into President Palmer's building pretty much unscathed because no one would think to be looking for him there, even with all teh FIBI and such running around.

I suppose that, for purposes of the show, Jack would have to be somewhere close by. If he were off drinking martinis in South America, the story would've ended right away. Like, "ZOMG! Jack Bauer is still alive and has killed President Palmer, here is video tape!" and Jack wouldn't know anything about it, and then...the end.

Random thoughts:

At least the chick he was living with there in Mojave was the first halfway decent-looking "love interest" Jack Bauer has had. I still think Audrey looks like a damn skull.

Don't get me started again on Terri or Nina the Lizard Woman of Much Scaliness.

Also, at least Kim's dumbness was relegated to only a couple of episodes. And no mountain lions kidnapped her every five seconds. I was very grateful for that.

I was sad they killed off Edgar. And Michelle. And President Palmer. And they killed Soul Patch Tony! I thought for sure that his magical soul patch would protect him from all evil, but I guess this was not actually the case.

RIP Soul Patch.

And RIP annoying hobbit man.

Anyway, also! I was really happy to see Aaron get a bigger role in this season, as I have always liked him. Aaron is the man!

The seasons do just keep getting better and better. I hope the trend continues with Season 6.

Blogger Ralph Nadir commented at 1:00 PM~  

Reagarding Jack's taste in women...I think you are forgetting that blonde chick from season 2...not really my type, but she was presentable. And they also implied that there had been something going on between Jack and that really hot Mexican chick in season 3.

Oh, and I know that you don't listen to commentary tracks, so I thought I'd mention that in one of the season 4 commentaries, one of the producers says that they deliberately killed Dina Araz(Shoreh Aghdashloo) off screen, so that they could rationalize bringing her back in some future season. And since the season 6 cast list over at IMDB has lots of Arab names in it, I'm guessing we might see her again this season...which I figure would make you happy.

Blogger Zombie commented at 1:18 PM~  

Oh yeah, the blonde chick and the Mexican. I did forget about them, but it's easy to do with the looming specters of Skull-head Audrey and Nina the Lizard Woman of Much Scaliness. And Terri with the hair. Oh, Terri.

But YAY for Dina coming back. OH YAY. That woman has the most awesome voice ever.

Speaking of awesome voices, I know you didn't get into the whole Carnivale thing when I was so obsessed with it, but one of the bad guys from Season 5 of 24 (the one with the 15 year old sex slave thingie - Rossler? Something like that), played the creepy blind guy, Lodz, in Carnivale. That guy also played Chase's dad on House, but I don't know if you still watch that one.

Anyway, YAY Dina!

PS - Please tell me the cast list says nothing about Elisha Cuthbert coming back to be kidnapped by mountain lions repeatedly.

Blogger Ralph Nadir commented at 2:59 PM~  

Kim isn't in any of the episodes they've shot so far, but the producers have said they haven't ruled out bringing her back towards the end of the season.

Oh, and also slightly disapointing...Eddie Izzard had been cast as a secondary villain, but they had to get rid of him and recast the role after just a day of shooting due to a scheduling conflict of some kind.

I haven't watched House in a while, but I'll catch up on it on DVD eventually.

BTW, have you been watching Heroes? Quite a good show...

Anonymous token commented at 4:18 PM~  

And here I am knocking myself down to one hour of televsion a day!

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