Saturday, December 09, 2006
Things Zombie Hates...Uhm...Saturday
See, I didn't do the Hate on Thursday because a friend was so kind as to loan me the 5th season of 24 on DVD, so I've been jumping around the living room and screaming at the TV while watching that.
It's important, you understand. I am a rabid 24 fanatic, but will only watch it on DVD now. It's a trend my old roommate started, as I hadn't seen the show before and he gave me Season 2 on DVD once and I watched it all and LO, I LOVED IT. So then I watched the 1st season, and got back on track watching seasons in order after that - but only on DVD, for I am slow.
I've now completed my viewing of Season 5 and I realize that it is in time to start watching Season 6 on the TeeVee, but I am not sure if I will do that.
This is because I hate commercials. And I don't like the idea of having to wait a week - or more, if they go on hiatus - between episodes. My head might explode. Head explodey!
I like having the option of watching 7 episodes in a row if I need to, because I must know what's happening. I must know immediately. I am an instant-gratification kind of girl like that.
It's a great dilemma. What should I do? Should I try to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous commercials and long-ass waits in between episodes? Or should I sit tight and wait for the DVD so I may once again do my customary watch-it-all-at-once thingie?
I don't know. What would Jack Bauer do?
Besides shoot someone or hijack a helicopter with the President in it or save the American people from several large canisters of nerve gas, I mean.
Because, while I'm pretty sure I could shoot someone, I don't think I'm speedy enough for all those other things.
Nor am I ruggedly handsome enough.
Damn and blast!
Anyway, here's some hate:
1.) Retards That Made My New Coat.
I had this coat I bought last year - the first coat I've owned in somewhere around 5 years. Which is funny, because I live in the Great White North, but didn't have a coat, which meant I was continually freezing my baguettes off. Ha ha! I laugh in the face of your hypothermia! Frostbite means nothing to me!
But then I got a job where I had to look vaguely presentable and I thought my years-old, ratty black hoodie (also named Bob. Because I name everything Bob. I still have him, as he is my best good friend. Love you, Bob!) might not really make the cut.
So I got a lovely black wool peacoat on the cheap. And while I kept forgetting to wear it, because I wasn't used to having a damned coat, it was nice to have. It made me feel all grown up, like, "Look, Ma, I am capable of keeping myself sort of warm when it's snowing out! I am responsible, and, more importantly, fashion-forward."
Then I lost all that weight. And when it started to get snowy again, I dragged out that nice coat and, oh, it did not fit at all.
So I bought another new coat. Online, for I enjoy shopping in my pajamas. It is a nice black wool trenchcoat dealie, with a subtle herringbone pattern. And on sale! Mommy loves a bargain!
Anyway, the coat arrived. I was all happy. I like getting presents in the mail. I realize it's not really a present since I bought it for myself and knew it was coming, but please don't ruin my moment. Thank you.
I pulled it out of the box and put it on. Yay, it fits! Yay, it's an unheard-of small size for someone that's me! YAY YAY YAY...wha?
I tried to put my hands in the pockets because I needed to skulk around the living room with my shoulders hunched and my hands in my pocketses, to make sure the coat was truly appropriate for me, but...the pockets were halfway sewn shut!
This was very upsetting. What maniac sews the pockets on a coat halfway shut? What is the meaning of such a thing?
I still don't know, but I had to expend a bunch of energy wandering aimlessly around the house until I remembered where I put some of my scissors. Then I had to snip away at the shoddily-sewn seams that were preventing me from skulking properly.
It's a rule that you can't skulk about correctly unless your hands are in your pockets. Just so you know.
My pockets are now unobstructed and I am very much enjoying my new coat, but every time I put it on now, I hate a little hate for whatever idiot did that.
2.) When Wednesday Runs Away From Home.
I lost a day this week. I think it got tired of all my rules and tied a checkered handkerchief to a stick, put some cookies and pie in it, and ran away from home.
Or I'm just nuts. One of the two.
At any rate, I lost Wednesday. While I was busy jumping around the living room and shouting at Jack Bauer to hurry up and save the world, I heard garbage trucks outside.
"Why are the garbage trucks outside?" I thought to myself. "Don't they know it's only Tuesday, and therefore patently not Garbage Day?"
I sat and ruminated on how dumb garbagemen are until the truck was gone up the street. Then it occurred to me to peek out the window and I saw that everyone had their garbage cans - now empty - out on the curb.
"HAHA!" I thought. "Everyone is dumb!"
And then I realized that it was me that was dumb because it was actually Garbage Day.
Fortunately, we do not generate that much garbage, so it's not a big deal that I missed Garbage Day, but still. I hate when I have no idea what day it is.
3.) Teenagers That Want to Shovel the Walk.
I hate snow. But even more than I hate snow, I hate shoveling snow. All that work only to have more snow arrive and render it completely pointless.
Teenagers showed up on my porch, wanting to shovel the snow away.
"I don't have any cash on me," I said. "Go home."
Teenagers make me nervous, because I'm pretty sure they're all murderous bandits, bent on mayhem and destruction. They only want to shovel my sidewalk and get 5 bucks off of me so they can purchase automatic weapons and cocaine from that hippie up the street. But I'm not going to fund their drug habits!
I need to fund my own.
Look who I found!
El Bastardo and Birthdays
Now we'll all have nightmares from being reminded that our parents fucked! Thanks, EB! Dick.
Labels: Things Zombie Hates Thursday
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